i'm going to be happier. i have what i want, what more is there? after everything he wants me. and thats all i want, for him to be happy. so i'm going to be happy.

i really wish that i could just stick by an emotion that i feel for once. i hate how fucking bi polar i am. i seriously think theres something wrong with me. maybe not in the medical, completely fucked up way that some people have bipolar disorder, but seriously, i cant keep a fucking emotion for more than 5 minutes. i'll be completely fucking pissed about something and then 5 minutes later i'll feel the exact opposite. i guess im some ways thats good because i dont stay truly upset even though after im pissed i stay silent for a long time just because its awkward to be hella happy again. i dont know. i have some fucking issues. i really wish i could go bac and change thte things that make me the way that i am now. i really fucking hate myself, a lot. there is literally nothing i like about myself. i just want to feel okay with myself. my looks, my personality, the way i act. i dont know how to change it.

is there even a way to truly change how you are? or is it just set in stone? it took me 20 years to be how i am today... does that mean it will take 20 years to change the way i am? i wouldnt even know what to start with though. i wouldnt even know where to begin because i hate everything about myself. appearance- i just all around hate the way i look. and now that i stopped playing soccer i hate the way i feel. i cant go anywhere to try stuff because i just feel fat and disgusting. i hate my skin, i hate my hair, i hate my nose. personality- i hate the way that i talk down to people. or the way my tone is. apparently no one can talk to me because of it. i act like a bitch. and i know that its true. i feel like i cant really truly open up to anyone because i just hate feeling judged. i feel like i'm just going to have people yell at me for things. mistakes that i make. my own contraditions. my own mistakes.

i just dont know what to fucking do with myself anymore.

i would really like to erase some memories. it would make my life a hell of a lot easier.

love's not a competition, but i'm winning.