i dont know how i feel about certain things anymore. i cant control things the way that i want to. not that i should but its hard to deal with it then. but how am i supposed to feel about a girl who has feelings for my boyfriend since 7th grade and tried to have a threesome with him last year when we weren't together. he said nothing happened then so it wouldn't now but when he texts her sexual things it makes it a little harder to trust him with that. i'm sorry i dont want to try and change who you are but making sexual jokes with her is not the same as making sexual jokes with someone who hasn't tried to fuck you. i dont know if i should say anything to her yet. i dont want him to be mad that i talk to her about it but i feel really uncomfortable everytime he talks to her. and i know her conversations arent that great so i dont get what he sees in talking to her. :/ i dont know what to do anymore. i'm confused.

so i like to believe that everything happens for a reason, but there are just mistakes that you have to deal with too. i think that no matter what happens, i will always be in love with cory. whether we stay together our whole lives or he leaves me now. its just a connection so strong that can't be broken no matter how our lives change or who we grow up to be. he still likes to believe that i can do better, and maybe i can but i dont want better or anyone else. so i guess that's that.

not sure how i feel about last night. it was definitely a mistake. but now it will always be on my mind. anytime i start to feel okay, i just get hit down by something. as if i need another reason to hate myself or feel inadequate.

i want to be happy. i really do. it's hard to be happy when you're trying to be everything for a depressed person. i feel this constant weight on my shoulders. i worry constantly when i'm not around him. i'm scared of what he'll do. i hate that i blame myself. that i believe i should be enough to make someone happy. each person needs to make themselves happy. i help, but i do not control. i just wish he could be happy. i wish that i could be the thing that makes him happy. i wish that i could say the right words and act the perfect way to make him want to live. i just want him to be happy.