well i guess i made it through the year...kind of not really. the year is over. my christmas was great. i got what i wanted, well more like who i wanted. maybe im stupid for taking you back after everything that happened. but a part of me still justifies it all. and i'm okay with that for now i guess. i'm just glad everything is back on track and i can fall asleep at night knowing my heart is always with yours. i hate the nights i can't fall asleep with you, with your arms around me and your heart beating in my ear. i swear i can never fall asleep right without that. ugh.

i know i can get through today fine, its tomorrow i'm worried about. :/

so the story is, that my heart will always be in his heart. my heart is covered with diamonds because i am always able to show how much i love him. while his heart is bigger but not as pretty because he has fucked up and is not always able to show his love but his intentions are always there.

i think it is absolutely beautiful. i love everything about it. especially the story. it's what makes it truly special and have meaning. i'll never forget the meaning. i love you forever and always. and i already told you you will always have my heart. :]

it really makes me wonder how often you think about her. is it as often as i do. because i constantly go back these days. and it breaks my heart every time. i dont know how to deal with this anymore.

im unhappy with my life

i don't know what to feel anymore. i constantly believe that i'm fucking something up in some way. i am the moodiest person ever, for no fucking reason.

i feel insecure. this season is not for me anymore. i can't be happy with it. i cant be happy during this time anymore. no matter what.

i need to remember that i "Can't be your savior, I don't have the power"

but i thought that being in love could conquer everything, i guess that's a false expectation.

blaaaaaaaaaah

today went from being stressed at work, to being happy after, to getting someone special a gift when i had no idea what to get her, to seeing the cutest guy in his work environment, to getting a good meal, to being disgusted, to being pissed. i don't like this. i don't like how quickly my emotions can change. i don't like how i can't control them. i don't like that i feel stupid all the time. not just emotionally as a stupid girl, but school wise. i feel fucking stupid. whatever. i'm over it.

so i'm ready to just fucking bury myself and never come out again. i hate myself. i hate who i am. i hate how i react. i hate my reasonings. i hate how i treat people. i hate how contradicting i am. i hate that i cant be the right person. i hate how pathetic i am. i hate how nothing i says matches the things i do. i hate that i hate myself. why can't i just accept the way i am? because i'm pathetic, no one should fucking waste their time on me. i just make everything more complicated.

when all i ever wanted to do was be perfect

Chances are, you never even cared at all
I'm sure that you had your reasons
But I'll never get to hear the truth

so this is the first time since... as long as i can remember that i've slept in my own room, in my own bed, all by myself. or alone at all for that matter. i'm always with him. i never sleep alone anymore. i'm always at his house. i don't know how to feel. the space is nice, but the cold is not. i dont like not having the heat of another person's body keeping me warm throughout the night. feeling cold and being able to roll over and spoon with a heater.

i still feel like i love him way more than he loves me. i still feel like i dont make him truly happy. he says hes happy with me, thats why hes always with me, but i dont feel like i make him happy. i dont know if its because he doesnt show it the same ways he used to or if i just dont feel as...accomplished in loving him. if that makes sense. i feel like hes always bored. or he'll post something and i'm just like wow okay, cause i'm not here. but i guess no matter what i do it isnt good enough. i'm not stong enough to be someone's all. i'm not strong enough to help someone through their tough times. i don't feel strong enough to be with someone who's depressed. i need reassurance. constant reassurance that i'm doing something the right way and i'm not getting that. but that's pathetic that i even need that. i hate the way i am. i mean, he did say this... but i don't know. it makes me feel good. but i can't always have him say that to me.

this shit at disney is pissing me off now. they want me to take out my rook piercing. that shit cost me $50 and they said it was okay at the time. this is bullshit. if i knew i could get another job hella easily, i would quit. i hope it doesn't close up. i'm going to just take it out for a shift and see what happens. :/ i feel like its going to hurt. ugh.

in other news, i'm over it. can't wait around for a unsure thing.

i feel pretty today.

i'm not sure how i feel about being in the month of december...it holds too many bad emotions. i'm trying to stay positive about it but it's not working. i don't know how to handle my emotions. i'm letting her memory get the best of me again. i just want it out of my head. it's really hard to trust someone when they've done everything to ruin every bit of trust you had in them. is there a way to ever really gain that trust back? or will i always be at this constant battle of what my heart says and what my mind is telling me.

i think one of the biggest things that is holding me back is i never really got an apology for anything he's put me through. i'm still here, i'm still loving him after all the shit that he did. not one apology for it. does the pain that you caused me not matter to you? do you not feel bad about what you put me through at all? i think a sincere apology would really help. it would at least let me know that he isn't blind to what happened and know that he won't do it again.

yesterday. some things said make you feel used not wanted. there's a difference. i want to be wanted, not a sexual object.

i feel... defeated lately. like nothing i'm doing is making sense in the bigger picture. that all the effort, or lack thereof, i'm putting out isn't getting me anything in return. i've just been in a depressing mood lately, i can't seem to get out of it. i can't sleep at night, too many thoughts keep me up. or when i do fall asleep, it's not a deep sleep that i stay in, i wake up easily. i don't know. this just needs to be over with. i don't like it.

TUMBLR IS DOWN. ugh.

i dont know what to do with all my freetime.

so i'm kinda late on todays post. i realize how much i laugh when i'm with my coworkers and with my friends. i miss those stomach pains from laughing so hard. it's really nice. i like who i am when i'm around them. although, sometimes i'm not always myself, like i try harder to be liked by them, but i feel good when i'm around them. they just make me feel wanted. idk. i think i'm going to try and spend more time with them. it was a lot easier to before having my own house and all. cause it was just like.. a meeting place. everyone knew they could go there and be welcome, or know they had a place to stay. i miss being like.. the center person. i guess that makes me selfish or whatever, i guess i did like the attention. but not so much the attention, just everyone being around. i miss having my parties and being completely worry free. just drinking with my friends made everything better. the feeling of happiness was doubled and it was just fun. some of my favorite memories are with my friends in that house on drunken nights, playing beer pong, blasting music, dancing and just laughing. although it was one of my lowest points and i hope to never be that emotionally unstable again, i had the best memories with friends. i love them so much.

i want to try and write in this more often. i watched this e! documentary on taylor swift and she said something along the lines of, write all your feelings down of the day, then you can look back and remember. i'm really honest, bluntly which some people think i'm a bitch for but whatever. i may say or share some really personal things. oh well.

lame, but i just feel like i dont really....know my feelings. i'm so bipolar and my feelings change constantly. i'll feel extremely happy and positive with myself and my life, then the next hour i'll be totally depressed and have no motivation to do anything. i'm not sure what my problem is. i just need to learn how to move on from things that i have no control over.

today, i mainly felt...not good enough. i know that you're not supposed to have sex to feel pretty or wanted. it's not just that feeling. i just love that closeness and skin on skin contact through having sex. and i haven't had it for awhile. it just makes me feel not attractive. if you're attracted to someone, you want to have sex with them right? and then i talked to my friend about it and she said "so you dont believe me when i say you're pretty because i dont have sex with you?" and idk that kinda made me think... i think what happened to me when i was younger really makes me feel as though i'm only pretty because of my body. maybe i do only feel attractive to people who want to have sex with me. i just have a horrible self esteem. but idk. i also have a lot more on my mind, but i try not to think of the past, or at least that part of my past. i shouldnt let her affect us anymore. idk when that will ever happen though. i wish i could stop it, or change it, or stop my head from thinking about it. it really bothers me.

you know the movie, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind? i really wish that i could erase memories. i feel like i would be a better person.

i'm going to be happier. i have what i want, what more is there? after everything he wants me. and thats all i want, for him to be happy. so i'm going to be happy.

i really wish that i could just stick by an emotion that i feel for once. i hate how fucking bi polar i am. i seriously think theres something wrong with me. maybe not in the medical, completely fucked up way that some people have bipolar disorder, but seriously, i cant keep a fucking emotion for more than 5 minutes. i'll be completely fucking pissed about something and then 5 minutes later i'll feel the exact opposite. i guess im some ways thats good because i dont stay truly upset even though after im pissed i stay silent for a long time just because its awkward to be hella happy again. i dont know. i have some fucking issues. i really wish i could go bac and change thte things that make me the way that i am now. i really fucking hate myself, a lot. there is literally nothing i like about myself. i just want to feel okay with myself. my looks, my personality, the way i act. i dont know how to change it.

is there even a way to truly change how you are? or is it just set in stone? it took me 20 years to be how i am today... does that mean it will take 20 years to change the way i am? i wouldnt even know what to start with though. i wouldnt even know where to begin because i hate everything about myself. appearance- i just all around hate the way i look. and now that i stopped playing soccer i hate the way i feel. i cant go anywhere to try stuff because i just feel fat and disgusting. i hate my skin, i hate my hair, i hate my nose. personality- i hate the way that i talk down to people. or the way my tone is. apparently no one can talk to me because of it. i act like a bitch. and i know that its true. i feel like i cant really truly open up to anyone because i just hate feeling judged. i feel like i'm just going to have people yell at me for things. mistakes that i make. my own contraditions. my own mistakes.

i just dont know what to fucking do with myself anymore.

i would really like to erase some memories. it would make my life a hell of a lot easier.

love's not a competition, but i'm winning.

buzz and woody for halloween. this is the best idea i've ever had. i hope we look good.

i win :)

i am very happy for the first time in awhile. although things are stressful with work and occasionally school, i have the guy i love and the best friends to rely on to always cheer me up.

just got back from disneyland last night. it was more than amazing. i haven't been in awhile and it was really nice to be able to get away from work and school. cory and i technically went for his birthday, but i think it was definitely more for me. but he said he was happy so i'm glad. birthday churro is better than birthday cake! i think that things are getting better between us. but everytime i say that things come crashing down, we'll see this time. there's a lot of things we have to work through now but obviously we can do it. we've been doing it. and i understand why everything happened the way things did. partly because of me, mostly because of him but shit happens and you just have to keep doing what you think is right. and right now, i think this is right. no maybe i didn't necessarily give myself the chance to fully moved on, but i definitely wasn't holding back either. the guys i met were nothing special, none of them worthwhile. and i try not to waste my time on that unlike some. i know what i want, i've known for four and a half years now. it hasn't changed. we'll see where this is heading. i love being right.

disneyland thursday. lets make some magic happen.

the best feeling in the world is when you lean over and whisper in my ear "i love you", when you think i'm asleep. it's so sweet and simple, but the fact that you say it when you think that i'm asleep, and that no one would be hearing it but you want to say it out loud to me. i love that.

can things just be a tiiiiiny bit less complicated? that would make me less stressed. moving back in is a bitch, just like my mom is a bitch. i'm hoping i can still go to disneyland for his birthday, if i can save up enough money. school is easy this semester i just don't care. i can't seem to care about anything else. i say one thing, i do the opposite. i guess i'm like him in that way. maybe we were supposed to just be friends though. maybe thats a good thing. but i can't help but love him and want to be with him. maybe it will work out, not right now. definitely not right now. but he still says he wants to marry me. i still want to be with him.

if anything this whole situation has taught me soooo much about patience. and i am the most impatient person ever. and jealousy, this has definitely cured my jealousy. and my problem with smoking and the importance of friends. so as shitty as this has all been, i've learned a lot. hopefully that will improve our relationship if we ever are together again. we'll see.

just about had it with everything. stress is getting to me. it's too hard to pretend like things are alright. once things start looking up, they go straight back down. first time i won't see him in like, a month. good thing i have class with him tomorrow. should be interesting. oh fucking well.

oh and fuck my brother.

i love my life right now. my friends couldn't be more special to me. my love life, well we'll see where that's headed but i like the direction it's taking. i'm content with myself right now and trying not to be so judgmental. i'm working on my attitude towards everything, trying not to be negative, trying to stay on top of school. i love my coworkers, they keep me laughing constantly and are definitely the best i could ask for. my brother's a douchebag, but the rest of my family i enjoy. i can't WAIT for october, disneyland with someone i love. it should be amazing. start savingggg. i'm going to be 6 years old again.

everything has been perfect the past two weeks. no complaints, until tonight.

and if you're going to stalk me, then be prepared for what you're going to read. that's your fault for not being able to handle it.

i feel like life is going the way i want it to right now. but i never want to have my hopes completely up. plans to go disneyland in october. classes at city. happiest i've been in quite some time. let's keep this up. i guess having patience really is beneficial.

feeling bitchy

so i'm just going to let all my bitchy and slightly cocky comments come right out there...

how does it feel knowing you weren't good enough? how's it feel to know you couldn't even take me off his mind for a second? that you'll never live up to me? that he doesn't even want to TRY with you? not because our relationship was so bad, but because you're not worth it to try. you're not worth it to go through that process again. he thought he wanted another relationship but he didn't. he's losing his feelings for you. were they even there? or did he just make them up to be more than they really were? incompatible and too selfish. i guess there are some questions that will never go answered but it's always fun to ponder. 98% sure i'm going to be the one he marries. i'll take that. but i also guess no one really knows what's going on in his mind, or if he's going to change it in 5 minutes or not. he says what he feels in the moment, not necessarily what he feels in the long run.

i'll probably add to this later, but i'm a little tired and have better things to do.

"i can make all the wishes i want, but all i really need is you"

so much truth in this statement. because i constantly wish. i wish things were different. i wish things could go back to when i had you. i wish i could have seen how much of a mess my life is without you. i wish i didnt have to lose you in order to see how much i had. i wish i didnt push you so far. i wish i could change everything bad i did. i wish i had the chance to show you how much i have changed. i wish i had the opportunity to love you with everything i have all over again and have that love returned. i wish you could love yourself and see yourself the way i see you. i wish there was something about me worth trying for. i wish i could be stronger, more independent and beautiful. but all i need is you. you make all that possible. you make me feel all those things and you make everything okay in my life. everything comes together when i'm with you. everything is easier. i know you see it, that's why you're pulling away from her. you say you aren't compatible with her because you know it's me you're supposed to be with. you're 98% sure i'm who you're going to marry. 98. is that out of 100 or 1000? because i think if it was out of 100 then there wouldn't be this time to waste. but maybe it isn't time to waste. it's time to build ourselves in a way that we couldn't when we were together. i'll always love you, i'll always want you, i'll always see you in my future as my lover and one day husband. i hope that when you say i'll always be in your life that you mean it as a lover and wife. you say you can't be positive about certain things, but you're 98% sure. i hate the contradiction.

can this constant confusion just end please. i'd really like to have some peace of mind

satisfied: ask and you shall receive.

i'm not strong enough for this anymore. i thought that i was. i thought that i was strong enough to carry both of us. but i'm not. you're too much. i thought because you are so weak and vulnerable that i could carry your problems and be strong but i can't. she's too selfish to ever be able to handle you. i thought that i could stay strong throughout this but i can't. i'm tired. i'm weak. i'm exhausted. i'm broken. i can't fix myself so i thought i could fix you. but i can't do that either. whatever.

edit:

i miss being desired. i miss the constant attention. i miss the hugs and kisses. i miss the passion. i miss the lust. i miss making love to you. i miss you wanting your hands all over me. i miss you not being able to get enough. i want you so badly.

why can't i just stop crying? i thought that i had no more tears left to shed for him. why is it the stupidest of things can just make me cry like a fucking baby? is it even worth it anymore? why is he worth all these tears? why is he worth all this pain? why am i even doing this? is this even love anymore? i just dont want to hurt anymore. why am i so fucking stupid

i'm done.

i'm so lost at this point. i talked to allison online thursday night. i guess i can see why cory likes her. but at the same time... idk. i wish he could just talk to us both in person. and tells us both individually how he feels for us with no restrictions. so we could hear what he says to the other. maybe that would make us want to move on. i don't know. i told her a lot about what he says to me, and she said he says the same thing to her. its like he just replaces our bodies and repeats the same thing to both of us. and i'm sure he says the same thing to her but he said he's never going to get over me, and that he would be able to get over her. who fucking knows if thats true. who knows if that makes it worth staying around. i want to believe what he says to me, but what about what he says to her? i'm just over this whole thing. i just want the truth. i want to crawl inside his brain and see what hes actually feeling.

I just wish I knew the truth

As to why
I wait for you
Longer than the average person would
And why
I think about you
More than I think one should

Our body's fit together like a makeshift puzzle
And It's clear to see why you puzzle me

i dont really think that right now is a good time for me to be typing right now. i just wrote about something on tumblr. i really dont know i wish that i could give up. but i cant. i love him too much. everything i do is for him. each and every thing. i do evertying to make him happy. i saw everything to make him happy. there i things that i could say but i dont, just ot make him happy. it really hard and also frustrating because its like where do we go from here? yeah, she is selfish and complains a lot but i mean what is there anything i could do about that? ugh. i just...i just wish that he could see into the future at least so that hec ould see how he is really supposed to end up with because at least in that case i can just either drop it or not. blah. he is someone who makes me happier than i could ever be right now and that sucks. :[ i just wish that i could be happy. it would make things so much easier. i wish i didnt have to play these games. idk what happened. but idk. i give up on whats "good" or "bad" for be because obviously i dont know... blah.

you're going to miss me cause i'm getting dizzy

there's some sort of comfort in cutting. the release. the pain of something not internal.

well. i really dont know. and when i say that, i mean it in the truest sense. i dont know anything nymore. i dont know how i feel, i dont know how i should feel. i just want to scream at the world and wish i could die. but i cant kill myself. i cant be that selfish. my mother has already lost a child. i couldnt put her through that again., and i cant give up on elijah. but i really wish i could. i dont want to feel anymore. i dont want to hurt anymore. but i want everything that he gives me. and that includes hurt and suffering. that includes his beautiful lies and contradicting ways. it includes his stupidity and everything he puts in front of me. that includes his flawless face and his amazing personality. but i just dont know what to do anymore. what if everything he said to her about me was true? she obviously believed it. but he also said that he was only looking at the negative in order to move on. but he couldn't move on. even when all he was looking at was the negative. HE KEEPS COMING BACK. he comes back when that was all he was looking at. when everything was good between allison and him and all he looked at for me was negative, he still loved me. he still couldn't let go. YOU AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH TO BE WITH HIM. you never were, otherwise he would have just been with you. you never will be because he deserves better.

he specifically said no "volatile" comments and don't say shit just to bring each other down. and i stuck by that, i didn't say one thing about what he told me, and the one time i tried to, i didn't and he changed the subject by saying the walls were moving. you threw everything you possibly could in my face about our relationship, which YOU were never a part of, you don't know shit about what we went through and how we were, ever. you threw shit in my face about what he told you about me. you know how much i could have said, you know how far i could have cut you down? but i didn't. oh well.

i just hope things get better from here.

4th of july

i guess i should write about something positive too.

well he watched my nephew all day, even though he was sick and couldn't do anything. he didn't have to. i told him that my parents would just watch him instead. but he decided to stay with him all day long and even help my parents clean up for the party. why is it that everything he does makes me just love him more? and when i got back, he didn't leave. he stayed and continued to make him happy. even read him stories before bedtime. why would i give up on someone with that much potential?

the fourth of july party was amazing. i didn't have work, so i was super excited and carefree. he stayed the whole time, and didn't feel awkward one bit in front of my family or the mass amounts of people there. we spent the whole day together just having fun and laughing, sunbathing and talking. he fits in with everyone so well, talks to everyone effortlessly and is completely comfortable. it was perfect, almost as perfect as cuddling while watching fireworks. he made his cute little comments to make everyone laugh and then we played couples therapy for my god sissy. i think it was the best fourth of july yet.

well, i find myself here again. in this spot where i don't know whether i should move on or stay.

my reasons for staying:

pretty simple, i love him more than life itself. there is nothing that i wouldn't do for him. i have built who i am with him and vice versa. we've spent so much time together, so many years of memories and just pure happiness. yeah we had are arguments, we always did, but the good always outweighed the bad. no matter how intense or how pathetic, we still love each other regardless. and we still do. i know he's in love with me still, i can tell, and he has told me. we know that we're never going to get over each other, so why try? i can't give up on someone who is so much a part of me and who i care for more than i do myself. i know he is who i want. i know he is who i want to share my life with. he always has been, he always will be. he fits my criteria in every aspect, even exceeds in some. i just love him. there's no other way to describe it i guess.

my reasons for leaving:

he isn't necessarily treating me like crap in the way that i'm looking at it, but everyone else is saying that he is. and maybe i'd be able to see that if i did leave. because i wouldn't be directly in it. everyone says i deserve better, who knows if they are true, or if they even know what i deserve. why should i deserve someone better? what makes me so good to even deserve that? and of course the obvious reason for leaving would be her. but even trying to get into all that detail would just be insane. basically, the rebound girl got way too attached. and he attached too, but obviously the feelings for me never left otherwise i wouldn't be here right now writing about this. now i'm just lost on whether i should just let her have him or not. i feel almost selfish still being here fighting because i had him for four years, i should let her try. haha. but its not what he wants. if she is what he wanted then he would just be with her. simple as that. and she isn't. what a surprise.

anyways, i'm just stuck. but i'm also scared. i know that if i leave he won't try and stop me, because he thinks i deserve better too. the one time i said i wanted to give up he told me finally, but then said he didn't want me too. he knows that if i let go and move on that he won't have me, that he'll lose what he has here. i just want to give him what he wants, i just want him to be happy. and as long as he is telling me to come over and that he wants to see me, i guess that's what i'll do. i can't give up on him. i can't let go. i love him far too much. i've been here for four years, she's been here for four months. does that mean anything? other than that i'm really committed...what's the use in giving up now? i'm in it for the long run :]

by the way. eclipse was amazing. i hate relating my life to it...but i swear its so easy to put this whole situation into twilight mode. just with a few changes. it was just fun seeing it with him. because no matter how much i want to pay attention to the movie, his little jokes and comments about it just make it that much more enjoyable. and resting my head on his shoulder is something i miss so god damn much.

if i could just give up and walk away i would. i would leave you to be with her and leave you to be happy. but you won't do either. you won't be with her or happy if i leave. you want to be with me still, so i'm with you when you ask. we're happy still when we are together. we're in love still. yeah, we can hang out as just friends and everything is fine. but we will always have that connection that no one can touch or come close to. so i'm going to stay. i'm going to stay until i don't make you happy, until you don't want me anymore, until you're not in love with me anymore. who knows how long that will be. but i'm willing to wait. you're what i want, you're the only person i've ever wanted. it's you that i want to spend the rest of my life with. and i'm not giving up that dream just yet. not yet.

i shouldn't write in this nearly as much detail as i give, so i'll cut it back just a little bit. but writing with pen and paper is so much easier, but then my hand gets tired because there is so much to say. well the past week has been... both beyond amazing and emotionally tiring. my emotions have been doing rollercoasters loops inside me, one second i feel happy, the next sad, the next just down right confused. i never feel this way with anyone else, he makes me feel so euphoric and like i'm the only one in the world he wants to be with, then something about her gets brought up. i honestly don't mind. i realize that she is going to be a part of his life from now on, no matter what happens or who he decides to be with and i also understand every reason why he likes her. i'm sure she is super sweet and all that, but then its just the bitch in me that makes me dislike her. but i guess thats because i'm a girl. i don't think any girl would ever be completely okay with this situation i'm in. but surprisingly, somehow i'm contented with it and the way things are going. because if he chooses me, then i'll know that no matter what happens or who comes along our paths, that we will always find and have each other in a way that i don't think anyone our age could understand and we'll know that we are right for each other, just like we always claimed to be. and if he chooses her, then i'll know that me and him will be able to be just friends. i could never not have him in my life. and if he chose me, i wouldn't force him to cut her out of his life, i hope she would have the same courtesy as me. but sure i'd get jealous the first couple times and possibly get scared, but i know he wouldn't put me through that again. and i have grown so much through this whole process that i think i have learned to cope with issues a lot better in a healthier manner.

basically everything that me and him have done together in the past week seem to be outweighing the happy that he has with her. i guess we'll just see how this turns out.

if i thought i didn't know what was going on before, i definitely don't know what's going on now.

sooooo. i don't know what's going on anymore. hopefully things are taking a turn for the better. i'm never going to make you choose. but i'm going to be here when you want me. we'll see if my fighting has been worth it, it's always worth it to me.


Things are looking up
Oh, finally
I thought I'd never see the day
When you'd smile at me

We always pull through
Oh, when we try
I'm always wrong
But you're never right
Oh, you're never right

Honestly, can you believe
We cross the world while it's asleep?
I'll never trade it in
'Cause I've always wanted this and
It's not a dream anymore, no
It's not a dream anymore
It's worth fighting for

Could've given up so easily
I was a few cheap shots away
From the end of me

i wish things could just be easier said then done. but what would that really accomplish? would anyone actually learn anything that way?

i feel so torn. torn between doing what is "right" and what is "wrong". but who even decides what those choices are? i feel like, whatever i have been doing, has been working... to some extent. but what happens if i change and do something else? would what's happening still be happening? i don't know what to think anymore. i wish i could just stop thinking.

maybe those four years was it. that's the end of the story. our story. but we're both still here. BOTH. i'm not the only one, it takes two. two to keep it going, two to keep it alive. it's still alive. i can feel it. but what am i waiting for? for you to just come back into my open arms and for everything to be better? i know it won't be that easy, even if you decide to "come back". i just hope it is easier than the way things are right now. i don't know what to believe anymore.

-i'll never break my promise

and then you go right back to her. i really don't understand. if you're not happy, then what is the point? what are you even doing? i'm so confused. i know that you aren't going to just come right back to me, and don't expect me to have you with open arms.

i dont know. i'm starting to feel like maybe i am just being played. that you're just saying things to keep me emotionally attached. i mean, i'm always going to be, and you know that too. so i don't know why you would say that then. i keep going back and forth in my head what is possible and what is true. it just sucks. i'm tired of this back and forth. i'm tired of this circle. i wish it was easy to just let go. i haven't given up yet. i guess i will always be here. no matter how much i don't want to be.

so i dont know if that night made things better or worse. it definitely made things better for me. made me not feel so.... dumb? but i think it made things worse for you. maybe if you don't see me all the time, you'll get over me. you'll get over how good you think i am. but you don't think you're good enough for me or her. when obviously the only thing we both want is you. you don't give yourself enough credit. you don't see the good things about you.

but i told you i would always be the sure thing. i'm always going to be here as much as i want to move on. i'm always going to love you, as much as i don't want to anymore. i'm always going to care for you, as much as you've hurt me. i'm always going to come back, as much as you've pushed me away.

i love you too much. i've held on for too long already. whats the use in giving up now?

does she really make you happy? if she did, wouldn't you just be with her already? i realize you just got out of a relationship, but if she's what you wanted then you would just be with her. what's holding you back? what's stopping you? she can't be that good if you don't want to just take that risk.

i'm a mix of being upset, angry, sad. i want to hate you but i love you so much. it just fucking hurts i wish i could just stop looking at the things i know are going to cause me pain but i can't. why can't i just stop? do i actually like being hurt by you? maybe its because i'm so numb, the only time i feel something real is when it comes from you, and if i can only be hurt by you right now i guess that's what i choose to do?

you say you are alone. you are far from it.

i'm very frustrated. i hope things just start looking up sometime soon. i really just want to erase my memories of you, us, everything we did. alsdkjfaslkdf.

i hate this. i hate feeling inadequate. i hate feeling alone. i hate that i've spent all day in the house reading, because reading fiction is better than being with anyone else.

i just miss how i feel when i'm with him. how nothing mattered. how everything was perfect. how i felt beautiful when he looked at me. how everything was just... okay.

UGH

so i just found out that i can look at my facebook messages and type in cory fong and see everything we've facebook messaged each other. good thing or bad? i haven't really decided. but there was this one message where i got mad at him for talking to chelsea (his ex) and then he says "I will not cheat on you and i want you to trust me and trust me when i'm with certain people." well i trusted you and look what happened. you cheated on me. but then after that, you said you were trying to avoid arguing. you left a video and its your lips saying "i love you" and then you back away from the screen and wave. why did that make my stomach go sdfjsldkfj;slkdjf. out of happiness and then i realize that i miss hearing you say that all the time and just started bawling. why can't things just go back to the way they were? i miss you so god damn much its not even right anymore. i hate this. i hate it all. i hate living without you. i hate pretending like i'm okay in front of my friends. i hate pretending like this is all okay.

so he tumblr'd a bunch of songs from senses fail. i dont know if they have to deal with me but...these lines i feel hold the most meaning out of all of them. i dont understand why i'm posting about this. i guess it makes me feel connected to him somehow still. i miss him so much.

"Don't worry someday I promise you will feel whole"

"Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my soul,
At least that means I still have a soul left to lose."

"Can you survive without me?
‘Cause I thought I’d be fine.
Now I am slurring every single line.
I feel like I am paralyzed
When I look at the extra space left in my bed
And think about all the things we did"

"I always thought that I’d be happy if I was loved,
But I have nothing left to give.
I don’t think I ever did."

why does it seem to me like everything you hated about me, is everything she is? -__-

i fucking hate this.

truth

Why does this speak so much truth for me? i fear that i may never give anyone what i gave to cory. he already took it. how do i even have anything left to give? i don't want to move on. i don't want anyone else. i don't want to try and do this all over again. i don't want to give love another shot. i tried for four years. why would i try to create that same feeling with someone else when they could just leave me? how am i even going to be able to trust anyone else? i don't think i'm going to love anyone like i loved him ever again.

ugh, like really? i just want to rip my fucking heart out so i don't have to fucking feel anything anymore.

i fucking hate myself. ugh i dont know what this is doing for me. i really just fucking don't want to breathe anymore. this hurts. it all fucking hurts. regardless of if i drink or drink. regardless of if i don't or not, i always fucking have you on my mine, i always fucking thing of you. i always fucking love you. can i just fast forward to when i dont give a fuck about you anymore? i don't want to care anymore. i just want to cry any die in my room and no one will give a fuck about me but my family. because everyone will just go on living without me. please someone kill me. i'm not strong enough to kill myself. can i get alcohol poisoning and never wake up and have him know that i love him?

i just fucking want him. he called me today to tell me he was in disneyland and asked what i wanted. why is he even getting me anything. i just want to fucking curl up and die. i dont want to think about the memory of him anymore. i dont want to fucking hurt all the time. i dont want to cry every night wishing that he wanted to hold me while we fall asleep together. i dont want to think about him wanting her. i dont want to hurt anymore. he is so much better off without me though. obviously i'm not strong in any way.



"I guess it's safe to say you're never coming back
And I understand why you wouldn't want to"

i haven't seen or talked to him since my birthday. it's almost been a week. do you even miss me at all? do i ever even come up in your mind? you're too busy texting her every minute of the day to even notice. any time i even think of you or write on this blog i just start crying. i'm not happy anymore. i try to be, i really do. but nothing compares to the happiness i felt when i was with you. i hate this. i hate that i don't know who i am anymore. i hate that i feel like i can't be happy. i hate that i can't go 5 minutes without thinking about you. i hate that nothing is the same anymore. NOTHING. can someone just make me stop caring? make me stop loving him? make me see him in the light that everyone else seems to see him in? can i see that i "deserve" better? can i just move on and stop loving him with everything i have?

apparently we're going through this again. he deleted me as a friend on facebook, again. he doesn't want to talk to me, again. he doesn't think we can be friends, again. apparently everything that we did when we were "friends" and still talking and when i stayed the night and when we had sex was just him going back to what was "familiar" to him. he doesn't love me anymore. he doesn't feel the same. he's not as happy. he doesn't want a relationship. but he wants her around. why can she be around when she's in love with him but i can't be? isn't it the same thing? i don't know what to do or believe. i can't keep crying like this all the time. it feels like someone is just ripping through my heart and taking out all the love that i had.

this isn't how things are supposed to be. this isn't the way i'm supposed to feel. i'm supposed to be happy. i'm supposed to be smiling. we're supposed to be in love. this year wasn't supposed to happen this way. this was our year to rebuild. this was my year to change. this was my year to accept and make things better for us. it wasn't supposed to happen like this at all. we were supposed to make this year better. i hate the way things are now. i hate this feeling. i hate sleeping alone. i hate not having you there. i hate feeling so lost and out of control. i feel like nothing is going right. i feel tired all the time. i feel sad all the time. i can't go more than 5 minutes without thinking about you. i feel like my heart is constantly being ripped out every time a memory of you comes into my head. and knowing that they are just memories. memories of the past. memories that i will never have again. memories that will just fade. i don't want them to fade. i don't want the memories of us to stop. i don't want this to be the end. i want there to be more memories. i want us to be happy. i want us to go places. there were so many places we hadn't seen yet. there were so many things that we had left to do. if you hadn't given up we'd be in disneyland right now for my birthday. we'd be having the best time ever together in the happiest place on earth. we'd be together, like we're supposed to be. i want us to be together.

you are everything that i could have ever asked for in a first love. you treated me right. you made me so happy. you made me happier than i could have ever thought possible. you showed me so much about myself. you made me a better person. so much that i could do. if it weren't for you, i don't know if i ever would have played soccer again after my first surgery. you helped me so much more than i could have asked of you. you waited in the hospital during my second surgery for like, 5 hours. i could never ask anyone to do that for me, but you did it without me even asking. you showed me so much that i would have missed if i weren't with you. you made me so much more optimistic than i was before, now i seem pessimistic as ever but its because i lost you. you made everything better, you made me see so much more good in life and in the little things. we had our arguments, but it only made me appreciate you more because we always endured. you made me feel so beautiful when i was with you. i hated myself more than you could ever imagine before we met, i hated who i was, how i was, how i looked, i hated looking in the mirror. you made me feel so gorgeous all the time. just catching you looking at me sometimes made me feel so much better than any compliment i could receive from anyone. because when you were looking at me, you weren't just looking to look. you were looking at the girl that you loved more than anyone else in the world, and the girl that you thought was the most beautiful girl you'd seen. and i took that for granted way too often.

but now my fears have come true. you have left me, like you said you never would. like you promised you wouldn't. forever and always was your promise. and i believed you. and now another girl has finally realized just how amazing you are. the reason why i was always so jealous when you hung out with her and every other girl. i didn't want anyone else to know how special you were, because i wanted you. you were mine, and now your not. and she is so smart for seeing how perfect you are and not just overlooking you. i was always so scared to lose you, that i held onto you so tight, that you finally needed to be alone. and now you're with her.. not officially, if that even matters. but i'm pretty sure you said she was in love with you, and i know you're probably in love with her by now too.. i know how impulsive you are.

and as i've sat here crying, typing this out for the past hour or so, you've probably just been home, doing whatever it is you're doing without even thinking of me or trying to convince yourself you don't care so that you can move on completely.

and as much as i want to, as much as i wish that i could... i can't. regardless of if i talk to you or not, i'm never going to move on. you're my first love, you're my best friend, you've my everything. you're so much more to me than you think that you are. you don't realize your own worth and it's sad because you are the most... genuinely perfect people i've ever known. and i really wish that you can see that in yourself. and those words i used to describe you don't even cover how i really feel about you. and love, love is not a word that describes anything nearly as close to what my heart, body and soul feels for you.

god it just hurts so FUCKING much. i lost him again as a friend now. i didnt think my heart could break any more than it already was. i feel so lost. lost doesn't even describe how i feel right now. crying doesn't make me feel any better. the tears keep coming and it just hurts over and over. i just keep repeating the words in my head and it keeps stabbing me in the chest. i didn't know this feeling was possible.

who the fuck am i. i'm no one. i have no identity on my own. i've grown up with him. i went through high school with him. i feel like i have nothing. i literally feel nothing from anyone else. i hate sounding over dramatic, but i dont want to live anymore if its just going to hurt this bad all the time. and it has been hurting this bad since he broke up with me. now its just happening all over again. i just keep going in these circles and nothing has gotten better. its just been the same or worse. fuck.

why can't i just stop letting things get to me? i fucking see things that she says and fuck it just hurts to god damn much. what if he isn't my soulmate? what if he's hers? and better yet, what if she is his? i guess if that's the case then i will find my soulmate. if that's even real.

it just fucking hurts. can i stop hurting for a day please? not even a day, just a fucking hour. i want to not think about him, not dream about him, not see his face everytime i close my eyes and hear his voice everytime i see that face. just take all the fucking memories away.

i don't want to feel this way anymore. i hate feeling like i'm just here, taking up space. i hate that i don't feel whole anymore. i hate that i'm nothing to him. i feel like nothing to him. maybe i'm not nothing, but the only person i want to mean anything to, doesn't think of me like that anymore. i honestly don't know what to do to not feel this way anymore. i've done and tried everything. i know its only been a short period of time. but i've gone out, i've tried to forget, i've tried to accept, i've tried to drink and smoke so i don't care or remember, i've gone out to clubs to try and get my mind off of it... but nothing works. i drink and i think of how much i never wanted to be at this point. i smoke and i think of how much i hated this before and the stupid huge arguments i got into with him for it and how i gave my ring back because of it. i go out to clubs and just wish he was there so that i could make up for all the times we didn't dance at dances. i've tried to just forget sober, and sometimes it works, but only for a little while until something reminds me of him, which is EVERYTHING. i went out to the mall with my best friend to find him some clothes and all i could think of when i was looking at guy clothes was if they'd look good on cory or not. and when i go out looking for myself, i think of what he would say about it on me. when i'm with my friends and we try to pick out movies, they'll suggest something and i'll just think of when me and cory watched it. i'm not even going to go into music.

it's really starting to eat away at me slowly. i have to block out all these memories just so i can go 5 minutes without hurting. but it doesn't work, and then it just hits harder the next time. this all just sucks and hurts so much.

and i get this feeling he like, doesn't want to see me anymore...which maybe thats a good thing. but the only time i feel the way i want is when i'm with him. the only time i feel something other than heartbreak is when i'm with him. i know that when i'm with him, he's not mine anymore, but just being around him makes me feel better. ugh. i hate myself.

he's never going to want me again.

100 days without you

i love that they are passed the point of not writing stuff on each others walls on facebook now. he posted a picture of him and her video chatting "typical monday night". that's awesome. not that i didn't know they did that... but ouch. can i just stop fucking hurting for once when i hear about her? but wow.. that really hurt that he would post that on his page.. i mean, i can't see what she posts to him, but the fact that he put that on his page knowing that i could see it. blah. i dont know what the fuck to do anymore.

maybe i should go see a doctor about depression. cory said the antidepressants didnt help him. but i'm not him. maybe they will help me stop hurting from him so much. i just need to stop thinking all the time about him. my whole mind is consumed with thoughts of him, our past and what our future could be like if he just gave it another chance. but i dont want him to give it another chance if he isn't willing to try so i guess i'm glad he hasn't yet because i know he doesn't want me the same. and that fucking hurts knowing that too. i just don't get why he isn't with her then.. if that's what he wants. is he trying to not be a bad guy by not dating someone new so soon? ugh i dont even fucking know. i just want to die.

who the fuck are you

this can't be happening again. i can't be losing you again. i had a glimmer of hope when you squeezed my hand. because you know how much that means. and now you don't want me again. you say we should move on. how am i supposed to do that? do you really think i'm going to ever move on from you? you obviously don't realize how much i love you.

"you're the girl i want and if you weren't then i wouldn't be with you. i love you and only you kara. forever and ever. :) " 02-07-09


you finally didn't want me anymore, a year later plus one day. i'm not sure if any part of this statement is true anymore. definitely not the forever and ever. forever doesn't exist for a single human being. it's stupid to say, and i hate that i thought that forever would actually last for us. i guess i learned that the hard way. you and only you. the you maybe, the only part, not so much anymore. she's here now. and as much as you deny it, i'm sure you say i love you to her all the time. and who knows if its in the same way you love me, but i guess it still hurts to know a part of your heart is reserved for her now too. ugh i just hate this. can i just stop crying over you for like five minutes please.

The only reason I don’t let you go or move on is because you said i would always be here. No matter how many days pass, I'm waiting for you to come right back through that door to be with me too.

"Yeah, I know. I am grateful you are with me. you've stood next to me through everything and I know you always will be, no matter what. I love you." 011310.

It's been 94 days since we broke up. I remember everything you said that day. I remember finally giving up for that one night and letting you go. I regret every second of that day. I have basically turned into nothing without you. I'm moving, I'm breathing but I'm not happy, I'm everything but. And the only thing that makes me truly happy is when I'm with you again. But I haven't seen you for awhile, for many reasons. We'll see how long this lasts. I just want you. Is it that hard to want me too? Is there no part of me that is worth a second chance?

why the fuck does it hurt so fucking much? i thought i got passed this type of crying. why do i just allow myself to get hurt over and over again? how does he not see how much pain he is causing me? and why is he the only person to make it better? all my friends, all my family say everything to me to make me feel better and help me try and make it okay but its not. why is he the only one i believe? how do i just keep letting him use me? why is it i'd rather be used by him and feel hurt than anything else?

why do we say forever when forever doesn't even exist

torn

i am so torn right now. i dont know what the fuck i should do. i love him so much. but should i really still be here waiting for him to decide? what if he never decides? what if he chooses her? then what. what the fuck am i supposed to do? i can't win either way. i don't think i can do this anymore. i've fought for too long.


it's so much easier to just say i want to move on then actually doing it. i figured to myself, if he tells her and she understands.. then she is way more understanding and perfect than i could ever be. and if she still wants him that bad after that... then she can have him. as far as i know... she still wants him, but i can't be positive. i guess i'll find out soon enough. and when i have that proof, hopefully i'll be able to let go like i always say i will.

texts from him that i want to remember

"well its this simple.. we dated for over four years and since we started at a young age we developed such a strong attachment to one another. due to the fact that we've spent so much time and have done everything together. so its safe to say that we are in love and we are one another first love. we broke up because of personal needs, or what i thought i needed. of course you're still going to love me. i haven't moved on and still have this emotional attachment that i can't completely remove you from my life. but there is another girl who i have created this liking-attachment because i am used to being "emotionally attached". but i didnt just like her because she was available, i like her because she is/was here for me when i needed it. and im not pushing you aside, you've done so much for me and i know i still love and care about you as much as i did when we were still dating. i always want you around. but now you are trying to figure out what to do. should you wait around for me to see if i come back to you or should you move on because of me having allison. so in a sense, you're waiting for me to decide who i am going to be with. and i honestly do not know. if i wanted to be with her, i would've been by now. but if i wanted to be with you, i wouldve just gone back out with you. so not it is a waiting game and is really stupid. thats why i dont want either of you to "waste" your time by waiting for me. its not fair to either of you. so i'm sorry i'm not helping your situation by talking to or hanging out with you. but you are my best friend and one of the only people i can talk to. so if you want me to stop all of this, i can. i understand. "

sigh

i really don't know what to do. my whole moral compass is all sorts of fucked up right now. i know that what i'm doing is probably wrong. but how am i supposed to just give up completely? he obviously still loves me, maybe not the way that i want it to be...but how can i just let go of the one thing i would fight a million girls for? i just wish that he still needed me the way i want him to. i wish that i could make him change his mind. i wish that i could make him just let go of me, and then maybe i could let go of him. how do you even start to let go of your first love? how do you just give up on the person you feel is your soul mate? i'm not sure if soul mates are even true, but why am i so drawn to him then?

and the thing is, she is really stupid too then. he met you because he cheated on me. his girlfriend of four years. and now he's "with" you..., but he's still fucking me. how stupid does that make you? you probably don't even know what's going on. i'm not sure if he's been honest with you. but i guess that means he hasn't really changed.

i feel like i'm being played, but at the same time i'd rather have that hurt than nothing at all. what the fuck. i feel like he could be using me, but i think he's better than that.. that he wouldn't do something like that to me, but i also didn't think he would cheat on me either. who knows what's really going on in that head of his. i don't even think he knows. i know he doesn't know what he wants. why can't he just figure it out instead of dragging this on, leading us both on. slkdjflksajd.

so i gave up on my xanga. its too sad. tumblr is kind of complicated. twitter is used for my one line depressing song lyrics. livejournal got annoying. the diary i actually write in is written as if i'm saying it to him. i think i'm going to use this to just say how i feel without it being directed to anyone. just me and my thoughts, feelings and depressing emotions.