the only thing thats keeping me from killing myself is the fact that my mom has already lost a child. i cant bear to put her through that again. but my life isnt worth living

why can't i just be normal? why do i let the stupidest things get the best of me? why do i have to be such a bitch? why do i have to push the most important person in my life away from me and make him hate me more and more everyday? its supposed to be the opposite. im supposed to make him love me more not the opposite. why cant i just stop letting shit that means nothing piss me off? why do i have to have such a short temper? why can't i just be someone that is easy to love/ everything i do or say comes out wrong. nothing i do is correct. i'm just ignored and easy to forget. i cant live without him but i do everything to make him hate me. why am i such a fuck up? i see the things that i do wrong and why i'm a horrible person but i cant even attempt to change it. when i do i just bottle it up and it just explodes causing an even bigger mess.

what the fuck is wrong with me

i dont know what to do anymore. i do get too jealous. but i'm sorry the only time you text one person ALL damn night for 5 hours is when you're flirting, catching up with an old friend or opening up. which i dont see why he would be doing any of that with her. i'm sorry you gave me a reason not to trust you. i'm sorry that you basically hide your phone when you are texting people. i was standing right next to you and instead of holding it regularly, you kept it hella close to you and when i did try to peek you backed away. that looks a little suspicious. AND on top of that, you befriend her on facebook in a day, get her number and she starts asking you about stupid pointless shit just so she can get your attention. like she really needed to know where you were going? ugh. this is all just bullshit.

i just wish, i just wish for the moment to be right

thought that i was okay with it, thought that it was fine. maybe a title does mean something. it means that you are mine and i am yours. but i guess that's not what you want. i suppose today is just another day. nothing special. nothing to celebrate.

You know when a song kind of speaks to you and says exactly what you're going through and feeling? So it may be cliche but Only One by Yellowcard is definitely speaking to me. Let me explain why.

First verse:

Broken this fragile thing now

And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces

And I've thrown my words all around

But I can't, I can't give you a reason

So, recently got into a fight and since cory and i first broke up, i feel like yes, our relationship is a little broken but we have been trying to work on it. but right now i feel like there is nothing i can do to fix it at this point because everything just goes in circles. i say everything i need to say to get my point across but it doesn't make anything better, it doesn't give any reason why things are the way they are. my words just fall flat and meaningless.

Bridge:

I feel so broken up (so broken up)

And I give up (I give up)

I just want to tell you so you know

I feel useless and I can't do anything anymore to change who I am, how I react to things and how things play out. So I'm out of ideas and I give up.

Chorus:

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you

You are my only one

I let go, there's just no one that gets me like you do

You are my only, my only one

I was literally screaming last night telling him to fight for us, to try because he is the only one I want. Yeah we can both meet other people but we tried that and it didn't work out too well on his part. He is the only one I want, the only one I love the way I do. And he does understand how I am and how I react, but sometimes after awhile everyone gets annoyed of a person regardless how much you love them.

Second Verse:

Made my mistakes, let you down

And I can't, I can't hold on for too long

Ran my whole life in the ground

And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

I have made mistakes, I do get mad about stupid shit, but that's just the way I react. I can change a lot of things, but I can't change the way I feel about certain things. I'm going to get mad when someone doesn't like me, I'm going to get mad when I'm jealous. It's who I am, it's what I do. I feel like my life is pretty much shit right now, I have very few friends, I am undeclared in my major, I have a silly retail job that I barely get paid for and I just feel disgusted with myself. But I can't do anything better without you. When I didn't have him in my life, I drank until I couldn't feel, I went out, I did anything to keep myself from facing reality. And yeah, reality sucks but at least I know what it is when you're around. He keeps me grounded, he's the only one that motivates me or inspires me in any way.

Second bridge:

And something's breaking up (breaking up)

I feel like giving up (like giving up)

I won't walk out until you know

I do feel like giving up, but I can't. I can't just get up and leave. That's not who I am, I fight for what I want and what I want is him. Even when he broke my heart and left me in the cold, I didn't give up. I let him know every chance I had that I still loved him, that I would always love him and I would always be there for him no matter what. I can't give up on something I care so strongly about no matter how much it hurts.

And then there is the chorus again.

Third verse:

Here I go so dishonestly

Leave a note for you my only one

And I know you can see right through me

So let me go and you will find someone

I tend to write when I no longer have words to say outloud and I have written dozens of notes expressing how I feel for him and how much I love him. I don't want to leave, I don't want to give up, but I will so that he can find happiness. As much as it hurts me and as much as it hurt me before, I will let him go to find someone else that will complete him more than I can. It seems as though I'm not the one who makes him truly happy anymore. But that is just the way I see it.

And the chorus repeats again. He is my only one. The only one that I want to be with. I would die for him, I would kill for him, I would do anything to have him be mine. But sometimes you can't be selfish. We'll see where this goes between us. I hope it isn't the end but I really don't want to be the one causing him pain anymore.

ps. I hope I labeled all the parts of the song correctly. I'm not really musically inclined and I kind of guessed. But oh well, that's not the point.

i don't know what to do anymore. everything goes perfectly for a good while and then it all just goes to shit in a matter of minutes. everything is too fragile. i hate life. i don't know what to do to make anyone happy anymore, especially myself. i feel like i'm happy, i feel like i'm content and then i think about everything and i'm not anymore. i don't know what to do to keep things good. i can't be perfect all the time, i'm not perfect. what's the point of living with someone if you just want space all the time? this is just stupid, i can't always be treated okay for awhile and then treated like shit for no reason. i don't deserve it. yeah everyone has their days but still. i have to figure out what's worth it anymore. i keep putting time into things that aren't meant to be.