i'm not strong enough for this anymore. i thought that i was. i thought that i was strong enough to carry both of us. but i'm not. you're too much. i thought because you are so weak and vulnerable that i could carry your problems and be strong but i can't. she's too selfish to ever be able to handle you. i thought that i could stay strong throughout this but i can't. i'm tired. i'm weak. i'm exhausted. i'm broken. i can't fix myself so i thought i could fix you. but i can't do that either. whatever.
edit:
i miss being desired. i miss the constant attention. i miss the hugs and kisses. i miss the passion. i miss the lust. i miss making love to you. i miss you wanting your hands all over me. i miss you not being able to get enough. i want you so badly.
Friday, July 30, 2010
why can't i just stop crying? i thought that i had no more tears left to shed for him. why is it the stupidest of things can just make me cry like a fucking baby? is it even worth it anymore? why is he worth all these tears? why is he worth all this pain? why am i even doing this? is this even love anymore? i just dont want to hurt anymore. why am i so fucking stupid
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010
i'm so lost at this point. i talked to allison online thursday night. i guess i can see why cory likes her. but at the same time... idk. i wish he could just talk to us both in person. and tells us both individually how he feels for us with no restrictions. so we could hear what he says to the other. maybe that would make us want to move on. i don't know. i told her a lot about what he says to me, and she said he says the same thing to her. its like he just replaces our bodies and repeats the same thing to both of us. and i'm sure he says the same thing to her but he said he's never going to get over me, and that he would be able to get over her. who fucking knows if thats true. who knows if that makes it worth staying around. i want to believe what he says to me, but what about what he says to her? i'm just over this whole thing. i just want the truth. i want to crawl inside his brain and see what hes actually feeling.
Friday, July 16, 2010
i dont really think that right now is a good time for me to be typing right now. i just wrote about something on tumblr. i really dont know i wish that i could give up. but i cant. i love him too much. everything i do is for him. each and every thing. i do evertying to make him happy. i saw everything to make him happy. there i things that i could say but i dont, just ot make him happy. it really hard and also frustrating because its like where do we go from here? yeah, she is selfish and complains a lot but i mean what is there anything i could do about that? ugh. i just...i just wish that he could see into the future at least so that hec ould see how he is really supposed to end up with because at least in that case i can just either drop it or not. blah. he is someone who makes me happier than i could ever be right now and that sucks. :[ i just wish that i could be happy. it would make things so much easier. i wish i didnt have to play these games. idk what happened. but idk. i give up on whats "good" or "bad" for be because obviously i dont know... blah.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
there's some sort of comfort in cutting. the release. the pain of something not internal.
well. i really dont know. and when i say that, i mean it in the truest sense. i dont know anything nymore. i dont know how i feel, i dont know how i should feel. i just want to scream at the world and wish i could die. but i cant kill myself. i cant be that selfish. my mother has already lost a child. i couldnt put her through that again., and i cant give up on elijah. but i really wish i could. i dont want to feel anymore. i dont want to hurt anymore. but i want everything that he gives me. and that includes hurt and suffering. that includes his beautiful lies and contradicting ways. it includes his stupidity and everything he puts in front of me. that includes his flawless face and his amazing personality. but i just dont know what to do anymore. what if everything he said to her about me was true? she obviously believed it. but he also said that he was only looking at the negative in order to move on. but he couldn't move on. even when all he was looking at was the negative. HE KEEPS COMING BACK. he comes back when that was all he was looking at. when everything was good between allison and him and all he looked at for me was negative, he still loved me. he still couldn't let go. YOU AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH TO BE WITH HIM. you never were, otherwise he would have just been with you. you never will be because he deserves better.
he specifically said no "volatile" comments and don't say shit just to bring each other down. and i stuck by that, i didn't say one thing about what he told me, and the one time i tried to, i didn't and he changed the subject by saying the walls were moving. you threw everything you possibly could in my face about our relationship, which YOU were never a part of, you don't know shit about what we went through and how we were, ever. you threw shit in my face about what he told you about me. you know how much i could have said, you know how far i could have cut you down? but i didn't. oh well.
i just hope things get better from here.
well. i really dont know. and when i say that, i mean it in the truest sense. i dont know anything nymore. i dont know how i feel, i dont know how i should feel. i just want to scream at the world and wish i could die. but i cant kill myself. i cant be that selfish. my mother has already lost a child. i couldnt put her through that again., and i cant give up on elijah. but i really wish i could. i dont want to feel anymore. i dont want to hurt anymore. but i want everything that he gives me. and that includes hurt and suffering. that includes his beautiful lies and contradicting ways. it includes his stupidity and everything he puts in front of me. that includes his flawless face and his amazing personality. but i just dont know what to do anymore. what if everything he said to her about me was true? she obviously believed it. but he also said that he was only looking at the negative in order to move on. but he couldn't move on. even when all he was looking at was the negative. HE KEEPS COMING BACK. he comes back when that was all he was looking at. when everything was good between allison and him and all he looked at for me was negative, he still loved me. he still couldn't let go. YOU AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH TO BE WITH HIM. you never were, otherwise he would have just been with you. you never will be because he deserves better.
he specifically said no "volatile" comments and don't say shit just to bring each other down. and i stuck by that, i didn't say one thing about what he told me, and the one time i tried to, i didn't and he changed the subject by saying the walls were moving. you threw everything you possibly could in my face about our relationship, which YOU were never a part of, you don't know shit about what we went through and how we were, ever. you threw shit in my face about what he told you about me. you know how much i could have said, you know how far i could have cut you down? but i didn't. oh well.
i just hope things get better from here.
Monday, July 5, 2010
4th of july
i guess i should write about something positive too.
well he watched my nephew all day, even though he was sick and couldn't do anything. he didn't have to. i told him that my parents would just watch him instead. but he decided to stay with him all day long and even help my parents clean up for the party. why is it that everything he does makes me just love him more? and when i got back, he didn't leave. he stayed and continued to make him happy. even read him stories before bedtime. why would i give up on someone with that much potential?
the fourth of july party was amazing. i didn't have work, so i was super excited and carefree. he stayed the whole time, and didn't feel awkward one bit in front of my family or the mass amounts of people there. we spent the whole day together just having fun and laughing, sunbathing and talking. he fits in with everyone so well, talks to everyone effortlessly and is completely comfortable. it was perfect, almost as perfect as cuddling while watching fireworks. he made his cute little comments to make everyone laugh and then we played couples therapy for my god sissy. i think it was the best fourth of july yet.
well he watched my nephew all day, even though he was sick and couldn't do anything. he didn't have to. i told him that my parents would just watch him instead. but he decided to stay with him all day long and even help my parents clean up for the party. why is it that everything he does makes me just love him more? and when i got back, he didn't leave. he stayed and continued to make him happy. even read him stories before bedtime. why would i give up on someone with that much potential?
the fourth of july party was amazing. i didn't have work, so i was super excited and carefree. he stayed the whole time, and didn't feel awkward one bit in front of my family or the mass amounts of people there. we spent the whole day together just having fun and laughing, sunbathing and talking. he fits in with everyone so well, talks to everyone effortlessly and is completely comfortable. it was perfect, almost as perfect as cuddling while watching fireworks. he made his cute little comments to make everyone laugh and then we played couples therapy for my god sissy. i think it was the best fourth of july yet.
well, i find myself here again. in this spot where i don't know whether i should move on or stay.
my reasons for staying:
pretty simple, i love him more than life itself. there is nothing that i wouldn't do for him. i have built who i am with him and vice versa. we've spent so much time together, so many years of memories and just pure happiness. yeah we had are arguments, we always did, but the good always outweighed the bad. no matter how intense or how pathetic, we still love each other regardless. and we still do. i know he's in love with me still, i can tell, and he has told me. we know that we're never going to get over each other, so why try? i can't give up on someone who is so much a part of me and who i care for more than i do myself. i know he is who i want. i know he is who i want to share my life with. he always has been, he always will be. he fits my criteria in every aspect, even exceeds in some. i just love him. there's no other way to describe it i guess.
my reasons for leaving:
he isn't necessarily treating me like crap in the way that i'm looking at it, but everyone else is saying that he is. and maybe i'd be able to see that if i did leave. because i wouldn't be directly in it. everyone says i deserve better, who knows if they are true, or if they even know what i deserve. why should i deserve someone better? what makes me so good to even deserve that? and of course the obvious reason for leaving would be her. but even trying to get into all that detail would just be insane. basically, the rebound girl got way too attached. and he attached too, but obviously the feelings for me never left otherwise i wouldn't be here right now writing about this. now i'm just lost on whether i should just let her have him or not. i feel almost selfish still being here fighting because i had him for four years, i should let her try. haha. but its not what he wants. if she is what he wanted then he would just be with her. simple as that. and she isn't. what a surprise.
anyways, i'm just stuck. but i'm also scared. i know that if i leave he won't try and stop me, because he thinks i deserve better too. the one time i said i wanted to give up he told me finally, but then said he didn't want me too. he knows that if i let go and move on that he won't have me, that he'll lose what he has here. i just want to give him what he wants, i just want him to be happy. and as long as he is telling me to come over and that he wants to see me, i guess that's what i'll do. i can't give up on him. i can't let go. i love him far too much. i've been here for four years, she's been here for four months. does that mean anything? other than that i'm really committed...what's the use in giving up now? i'm in it for the long run :]
my reasons for staying:
pretty simple, i love him more than life itself. there is nothing that i wouldn't do for him. i have built who i am with him and vice versa. we've spent so much time together, so many years of memories and just pure happiness. yeah we had are arguments, we always did, but the good always outweighed the bad. no matter how intense or how pathetic, we still love each other regardless. and we still do. i know he's in love with me still, i can tell, and he has told me. we know that we're never going to get over each other, so why try? i can't give up on someone who is so much a part of me and who i care for more than i do myself. i know he is who i want. i know he is who i want to share my life with. he always has been, he always will be. he fits my criteria in every aspect, even exceeds in some. i just love him. there's no other way to describe it i guess.
my reasons for leaving:
he isn't necessarily treating me like crap in the way that i'm looking at it, but everyone else is saying that he is. and maybe i'd be able to see that if i did leave. because i wouldn't be directly in it. everyone says i deserve better, who knows if they are true, or if they even know what i deserve. why should i deserve someone better? what makes me so good to even deserve that? and of course the obvious reason for leaving would be her. but even trying to get into all that detail would just be insane. basically, the rebound girl got way too attached. and he attached too, but obviously the feelings for me never left otherwise i wouldn't be here right now writing about this. now i'm just lost on whether i should just let her have him or not. i feel almost selfish still being here fighting because i had him for four years, i should let her try. haha. but its not what he wants. if she is what he wanted then he would just be with her. simple as that. and she isn't. what a surprise.
anyways, i'm just stuck. but i'm also scared. i know that if i leave he won't try and stop me, because he thinks i deserve better too. the one time i said i wanted to give up he told me finally, but then said he didn't want me too. he knows that if i let go and move on that he won't have me, that he'll lose what he has here. i just want to give him what he wants, i just want him to be happy. and as long as he is telling me to come over and that he wants to see me, i guess that's what i'll do. i can't give up on him. i can't let go. i love him far too much. i've been here for four years, she's been here for four months. does that mean anything? other than that i'm really committed...what's the use in giving up now? i'm in it for the long run :]
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)