i feel like everything i worked for is just going to fall apart soon. cory wants to go off to college, which is totally fine. he has the money to go wherever he wants without having to worry about anything. me on the other hand. i dont have any money. i would have to take out loans and everything and worry constantly if i have enough to live. i dont want to hold him back, but i'm scared to watch him go. i asked if he would compromise but he still said he would go off somewhere. if i decide what i want to do it will still be a lot of money to get it done. im thinking xray technician. its the only thing that i have an interest in that i can actually make a career out of. but im still not sure what i want exactly. i think that im too insecure to handle him going away. we could always try it but i think he knows that it will just end badly. he wants to just end it now if its going to be that way. he doesnt even want to try? i dont know anymore. maybe things just arent meant to be.

these are my two babies, cory and zurg. i love them with my whole heart and i only keep loving them more and more. is that possible? i guess love doesnt have a degree which it stops. only love more and more each day. i'm always going to love my babies. <3

i think that i just fucked up everything i worked so hard for the past year. i went through so much between december 09-september 10 to be with the person i've wanted to spend my entire life with and all i've done the past couple months is fuck it up again. no i'm not perfect, i never said i was. i've always been insecure, i just need to learn to get over it. not everyone who comes into his life is going to steal him away. not every girl he glances at is going to be the person he leaves me for. he might not even leave me at all from now on, but i guess i have to wait the next couple days to see if he actually loves me. i have to sit on the edge of my chair, wait for his call or his text to see where our relationship goes from here. i hate that i have to wait for him. i dont want him to leave me. it was hard enough the first time, i cant even imagine how it will be the second time. even driving to my parents from there, i wondered how much of a crash i would have to cause in order to kill myself. i'm scared of losing him. and i'm scared of what i'm going to do if he does. i don't think i can live through that pain again.

i dont know how i feel about certain things anymore. i cant control things the way that i want to. not that i should but its hard to deal with it then. but how am i supposed to feel about a girl who has feelings for my boyfriend since 7th grade and tried to have a threesome with him last year when we weren't together. he said nothing happened then so it wouldn't now but when he texts her sexual things it makes it a little harder to trust him with that. i'm sorry i dont want to try and change who you are but making sexual jokes with her is not the same as making sexual jokes with someone who hasn't tried to fuck you. i dont know if i should say anything to her yet. i dont want him to be mad that i talk to her about it but i feel really uncomfortable everytime he talks to her. and i know her conversations arent that great so i dont get what he sees in talking to her. :/ i dont know what to do anymore. i'm confused.

so i like to believe that everything happens for a reason, but there are just mistakes that you have to deal with too. i think that no matter what happens, i will always be in love with cory. whether we stay together our whole lives or he leaves me now. its just a connection so strong that can't be broken no matter how our lives change or who we grow up to be. he still likes to believe that i can do better, and maybe i can but i dont want better or anyone else. so i guess that's that.

not sure how i feel about last night. it was definitely a mistake. but now it will always be on my mind. anytime i start to feel okay, i just get hit down by something. as if i need another reason to hate myself or feel inadequate.

i want to be happy. i really do. it's hard to be happy when you're trying to be everything for a depressed person. i feel this constant weight on my shoulders. i worry constantly when i'm not around him. i'm scared of what he'll do. i hate that i blame myself. that i believe i should be enough to make someone happy. each person needs to make themselves happy. i help, but i do not control. i just wish he could be happy. i wish that i could be the thing that makes him happy. i wish that i could say the right words and act the perfect way to make him want to live. i just want him to be happy.

i'm happy, i have what i want. yet i can still feel the sting of heartbreak. for some reason lately i've just been wanting to break down and cry. from hearing a song, from a memory. its almost as if i'm feeling that pain the first time. i dont understand whats going on. i guess regardless of what happens in the present and future, the past always haunts us.

"i know you've been burned, but every fire is a lesson learned"

so a little late on this post, well any post for that matter. i haven't been on here in forever... but anyways. cory finally decided to make our relationship facebook official. if that means anything to anyone anymore. but basically that just shows me he's ready for "our relationship". which means more than anything else. i'm just really happy right now in life. but i wish that i could do something to make him happier. he says thats its not me, thats its just him and his life. but i wish that i could make him see himself the way i see him. then he would not hate himself at all. no, maybe he hasnt treated me exactly like a princess, but hes the only one that can make me feel the way he does. i love him more than anything. and i would do anything to make him happy. but thats something he has to do on his own too and i have to realize that before i take it the wrong way. which is what i do. i feel like i should have more control over it then i do. i feel like i should make him happier, that i should be enough to make him want to live out the rest of his life. but its his happiness, i only have a small part in that. he has to feel happy with himself. i just wish i could do more. it makes me feel so helpless. :/

the only thing thats keeping me from killing myself is the fact that my mom has already lost a child. i cant bear to put her through that again. but my life isnt worth living

why can't i just be normal? why do i let the stupidest things get the best of me? why do i have to be such a bitch? why do i have to push the most important person in my life away from me and make him hate me more and more everyday? its supposed to be the opposite. im supposed to make him love me more not the opposite. why cant i just stop letting shit that means nothing piss me off? why do i have to have such a short temper? why can't i just be someone that is easy to love/ everything i do or say comes out wrong. nothing i do is correct. i'm just ignored and easy to forget. i cant live without him but i do everything to make him hate me. why am i such a fuck up? i see the things that i do wrong and why i'm a horrible person but i cant even attempt to change it. when i do i just bottle it up and it just explodes causing an even bigger mess.

what the fuck is wrong with me

i dont know what to do anymore. i do get too jealous. but i'm sorry the only time you text one person ALL damn night for 5 hours is when you're flirting, catching up with an old friend or opening up. which i dont see why he would be doing any of that with her. i'm sorry you gave me a reason not to trust you. i'm sorry that you basically hide your phone when you are texting people. i was standing right next to you and instead of holding it regularly, you kept it hella close to you and when i did try to peek you backed away. that looks a little suspicious. AND on top of that, you befriend her on facebook in a day, get her number and she starts asking you about stupid pointless shit just so she can get your attention. like she really needed to know where you were going? ugh. this is all just bullshit.

i just wish, i just wish for the moment to be right

thought that i was okay with it, thought that it was fine. maybe a title does mean something. it means that you are mine and i am yours. but i guess that's not what you want. i suppose today is just another day. nothing special. nothing to celebrate.

You know when a song kind of speaks to you and says exactly what you're going through and feeling? So it may be cliche but Only One by Yellowcard is definitely speaking to me. Let me explain why.

First verse:

Broken this fragile thing now

And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces

And I've thrown my words all around

But I can't, I can't give you a reason

So, recently got into a fight and since cory and i first broke up, i feel like yes, our relationship is a little broken but we have been trying to work on it. but right now i feel like there is nothing i can do to fix it at this point because everything just goes in circles. i say everything i need to say to get my point across but it doesn't make anything better, it doesn't give any reason why things are the way they are. my words just fall flat and meaningless.

Bridge:

I feel so broken up (so broken up)

And I give up (I give up)

I just want to tell you so you know

I feel useless and I can't do anything anymore to change who I am, how I react to things and how things play out. So I'm out of ideas and I give up.

Chorus:

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you

You are my only one

I let go, there's just no one that gets me like you do

You are my only, my only one

I was literally screaming last night telling him to fight for us, to try because he is the only one I want. Yeah we can both meet other people but we tried that and it didn't work out too well on his part. He is the only one I want, the only one I love the way I do. And he does understand how I am and how I react, but sometimes after awhile everyone gets annoyed of a person regardless how much you love them.

Second Verse:

Made my mistakes, let you down

And I can't, I can't hold on for too long

Ran my whole life in the ground

And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

I have made mistakes, I do get mad about stupid shit, but that's just the way I react. I can change a lot of things, but I can't change the way I feel about certain things. I'm going to get mad when someone doesn't like me, I'm going to get mad when I'm jealous. It's who I am, it's what I do. I feel like my life is pretty much shit right now, I have very few friends, I am undeclared in my major, I have a silly retail job that I barely get paid for and I just feel disgusted with myself. But I can't do anything better without you. When I didn't have him in my life, I drank until I couldn't feel, I went out, I did anything to keep myself from facing reality. And yeah, reality sucks but at least I know what it is when you're around. He keeps me grounded, he's the only one that motivates me or inspires me in any way.

Second bridge:

And something's breaking up (breaking up)

I feel like giving up (like giving up)

I won't walk out until you know

I do feel like giving up, but I can't. I can't just get up and leave. That's not who I am, I fight for what I want and what I want is him. Even when he broke my heart and left me in the cold, I didn't give up. I let him know every chance I had that I still loved him, that I would always love him and I would always be there for him no matter what. I can't give up on something I care so strongly about no matter how much it hurts.

And then there is the chorus again.

Third verse:

Here I go so dishonestly

Leave a note for you my only one

And I know you can see right through me

So let me go and you will find someone

I tend to write when I no longer have words to say outloud and I have written dozens of notes expressing how I feel for him and how much I love him. I don't want to leave, I don't want to give up, but I will so that he can find happiness. As much as it hurts me and as much as it hurt me before, I will let him go to find someone else that will complete him more than I can. It seems as though I'm not the one who makes him truly happy anymore. But that is just the way I see it.

And the chorus repeats again. He is my only one. The only one that I want to be with. I would die for him, I would kill for him, I would do anything to have him be mine. But sometimes you can't be selfish. We'll see where this goes between us. I hope it isn't the end but I really don't want to be the one causing him pain anymore.

ps. I hope I labeled all the parts of the song correctly. I'm not really musically inclined and I kind of guessed. But oh well, that's not the point.

i don't know what to do anymore. everything goes perfectly for a good while and then it all just goes to shit in a matter of minutes. everything is too fragile. i hate life. i don't know what to do to make anyone happy anymore, especially myself. i feel like i'm happy, i feel like i'm content and then i think about everything and i'm not anymore. i don't know what to do to keep things good. i can't be perfect all the time, i'm not perfect. what's the point of living with someone if you just want space all the time? this is just stupid, i can't always be treated okay for awhile and then treated like shit for no reason. i don't deserve it. yeah everyone has their days but still. i have to figure out what's worth it anymore. i keep putting time into things that aren't meant to be.

so i'm kind of worried about where this is all going. i don't feel special anymore. i don't feel truly loved. i don't feel wanted. why do i always have to initiate things? does my not being naked or wearing cute undies not count as being ready? i'm sorry but when that happens i feel unwanted or not attractive so why would i want to try and start something after that? this is all so stupid. HOW HARD IS IT TO JUST HAVE SEX WITH ME. ugh

so i decided what i'm going to do for cory. its nothing special and since he already has all the songs i'd give him, i'm just going to make a playlist of 3 or 4 songs for each year we've been together. i guess its just documenting our life together so far. there will be happy songs, sad songs, angry and even suicidal. but nothings ever easy, and our relationship definitely hasn't been. but its been worth it. so its nice to see how it works out through song. i thought it was a good idea anyhow. :p

i've been learning some interesting things lately. looking for a second job. hours at disney have been cut way too much and i can barely pay for anything. BUT, on the bright side, things with cory and i have been much smoother. things have been looking up and continue to get better every day. it's hard to forget the past but my friend told me something that really stuck with me. "don't keep looking in the past unless you plan on going back there". i definitely don't want to go back so i'm just going to let things go. it's a new relationship anyways so it's completely new. old feelings don't matter, past mistakes are in the past. i'm ready to have a real relationship, not a high school one full of jealousy, dependency and fighting.

i just bought bambi on blu ray and tangled comes out march 29th. i am super excited to see that!

I feel like I'm at a point in my life where I'm going nowhere. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I mean, I know basic ideas of what I want to do or where I want to be in the future, but I have little motivation to get there. I don't know what I want my career to be. I don't know what classes to take. I keep dropping classes I am enrolled in because I feel like they are just a waste of time. I don't know what to do. I have no idea what is going on. I'm happy in every other aspect of my life. I do wish I still spent as much time with my friends as I used to but I don't know how to talk to them without hurting feelings. I'm happy with Cory, even more than before and I feel like I am starting to move on from what happened. No, I'll never forget but I can at least forgive and move on and that's what I'm doing. I just wish I knew what I was doing with my life. I just feel lazy.

i'm actually ready for this school year. i want to do well like i used to. last two semesters i have not given a shit about anything. i miss having my good grades. my gpa went down badly due to alcohol and heartbreak. i need to get those a's again. i'm excited.

fuck it.

blah blah blah.

school starts next week. I'm not ready for responsibility just yet. i need a new job. 5 hours a week is barely supporting my car's gas for the week. i still owe people money. a second job, or quit the one i have for a better one? ugh.

i'm way too jealous of a person. i just miss when my friends would text me first and ask me to join them. i miss summer. i feel like they assume that just since me and cory are back together that i won't want to hang out with them or go to parties or something. which is so not true at all. i still want to go to parties, i still want to drink and have fun with them. i don't get it. being in a relationship means no friend time? no. but how do i even bring this up to them without sounding like a bitch? ugh i hate dilemmas

bitches be crazy. hater, that would mean i'd actually have strong feelings towards someone. if someone means nothing to me, that doesn't mean i hate you. you're not worth any sort of emotion from me.

on a happier note. i just made some amazing garlic bread and spaghetti for cory so when he got off work he wouldn't be hungry. god damn i'm thoughtful. and he loved it.

nye

this will be a good year. i can feel it.

so apparently girls are stupid. acting like a drunken, lesbian whore does not make someone want to like you or miss you in any way. he didn't choose to be with you for a reason and acting the way you did made it completely obvious for him to understand WHY you weren't worth any more of his wasted time with you. good job. you made our bond even greater, his reasons for choosing me more worthwhile, and trust me when i say if i would have seen you that night, or any upcoming night and you act like that, i will beat your ass. get over it bitch. it's obvious to everyone that you aren't. way to pretend like you are. good job pretending like you're life is perfect when you're still hung up on him.

i told you that night you were over that if him and i got back together that we would be even stronger, even better together, that we would be able to conquer everything that comes in our way and it would be worth everything we went through. way to prove all of that. keep acting the way you are, keep being a stuck up, ignorant bitch. no one has "officially" been with you for a fucking reason. you're not worth anyone's time. this is the last time you'll ever affect me or his lives. you're worthless.

love my baby, always