i feel like life is going the way i want it to right now. but i never want to have my hopes completely up. plans to go disneyland in october. classes at city. happiest i've been in quite some time. let's keep this up. i guess having patience really is beneficial.

feeling bitchy

so i'm just going to let all my bitchy and slightly cocky comments come right out there...

how does it feel knowing you weren't good enough? how's it feel to know you couldn't even take me off his mind for a second? that you'll never live up to me? that he doesn't even want to TRY with you? not because our relationship was so bad, but because you're not worth it to try. you're not worth it to go through that process again. he thought he wanted another relationship but he didn't. he's losing his feelings for you. were they even there? or did he just make them up to be more than they really were? incompatible and too selfish. i guess there are some questions that will never go answered but it's always fun to ponder. 98% sure i'm going to be the one he marries. i'll take that. but i also guess no one really knows what's going on in his mind, or if he's going to change it in 5 minutes or not. he says what he feels in the moment, not necessarily what he feels in the long run.

i'll probably add to this later, but i'm a little tired and have better things to do.

"i can make all the wishes i want, but all i really need is you"

so much truth in this statement. because i constantly wish. i wish things were different. i wish things could go back to when i had you. i wish i could have seen how much of a mess my life is without you. i wish i didnt have to lose you in order to see how much i had. i wish i didnt push you so far. i wish i could change everything bad i did. i wish i had the chance to show you how much i have changed. i wish i had the opportunity to love you with everything i have all over again and have that love returned. i wish you could love yourself and see yourself the way i see you. i wish there was something about me worth trying for. i wish i could be stronger, more independent and beautiful. but all i need is you. you make all that possible. you make me feel all those things and you make everything okay in my life. everything comes together when i'm with you. everything is easier. i know you see it, that's why you're pulling away from her. you say you aren't compatible with her because you know it's me you're supposed to be with. you're 98% sure i'm who you're going to marry. 98. is that out of 100 or 1000? because i think if it was out of 100 then there wouldn't be this time to waste. but maybe it isn't time to waste. it's time to build ourselves in a way that we couldn't when we were together. i'll always love you, i'll always want you, i'll always see you in my future as my lover and one day husband. i hope that when you say i'll always be in your life that you mean it as a lover and wife. you say you can't be positive about certain things, but you're 98% sure. i hate the contradiction.

can this constant confusion just end please. i'd really like to have some peace of mind

satisfied: ask and you shall receive.