apparently we're going through this again. he deleted me as a friend on facebook, again. he doesn't want to talk to me, again. he doesn't think we can be friends, again. apparently everything that we did when we were "friends" and still talking and when i stayed the night and when we had sex was just him going back to what was "familiar" to him. he doesn't love me anymore. he doesn't feel the same. he's not as happy. he doesn't want a relationship. but he wants her around. why can she be around when she's in love with him but i can't be? isn't it the same thing? i don't know what to do or believe. i can't keep crying like this all the time. it feels like someone is just ripping through my heart and taking out all the love that i had.

this isn't how things are supposed to be. this isn't the way i'm supposed to feel. i'm supposed to be happy. i'm supposed to be smiling. we're supposed to be in love. this year wasn't supposed to happen this way. this was our year to rebuild. this was my year to change. this was my year to accept and make things better for us. it wasn't supposed to happen like this at all. we were supposed to make this year better. i hate the way things are now. i hate this feeling. i hate sleeping alone. i hate not having you there. i hate feeling so lost and out of control. i feel like nothing is going right. i feel tired all the time. i feel sad all the time. i can't go more than 5 minutes without thinking about you. i feel like my heart is constantly being ripped out every time a memory of you comes into my head. and knowing that they are just memories. memories of the past. memories that i will never have again. memories that will just fade. i don't want them to fade. i don't want the memories of us to stop. i don't want this to be the end. i want there to be more memories. i want us to be happy. i want us to go places. there were so many places we hadn't seen yet. there were so many things that we had left to do. if you hadn't given up we'd be in disneyland right now for my birthday. we'd be having the best time ever together in the happiest place on earth. we'd be together, like we're supposed to be. i want us to be together.

you are everything that i could have ever asked for in a first love. you treated me right. you made me so happy. you made me happier than i could have ever thought possible. you showed me so much about myself. you made me a better person. so much that i could do. if it weren't for you, i don't know if i ever would have played soccer again after my first surgery. you helped me so much more than i could have asked of you. you waited in the hospital during my second surgery for like, 5 hours. i could never ask anyone to do that for me, but you did it without me even asking. you showed me so much that i would have missed if i weren't with you. you made me so much more optimistic than i was before, now i seem pessimistic as ever but its because i lost you. you made everything better, you made me see so much more good in life and in the little things. we had our arguments, but it only made me appreciate you more because we always endured. you made me feel so beautiful when i was with you. i hated myself more than you could ever imagine before we met, i hated who i was, how i was, how i looked, i hated looking in the mirror. you made me feel so gorgeous all the time. just catching you looking at me sometimes made me feel so much better than any compliment i could receive from anyone. because when you were looking at me, you weren't just looking to look. you were looking at the girl that you loved more than anyone else in the world, and the girl that you thought was the most beautiful girl you'd seen. and i took that for granted way too often.

but now my fears have come true. you have left me, like you said you never would. like you promised you wouldn't. forever and always was your promise. and i believed you. and now another girl has finally realized just how amazing you are. the reason why i was always so jealous when you hung out with her and every other girl. i didn't want anyone else to know how special you were, because i wanted you. you were mine, and now your not. and she is so smart for seeing how perfect you are and not just overlooking you. i was always so scared to lose you, that i held onto you so tight, that you finally needed to be alone. and now you're with her.. not officially, if that even matters. but i'm pretty sure you said she was in love with you, and i know you're probably in love with her by now too.. i know how impulsive you are.

and as i've sat here crying, typing this out for the past hour or so, you've probably just been home, doing whatever it is you're doing without even thinking of me or trying to convince yourself you don't care so that you can move on completely.

and as much as i want to, as much as i wish that i could... i can't. regardless of if i talk to you or not, i'm never going to move on. you're my first love, you're my best friend, you've my everything. you're so much more to me than you think that you are. you don't realize your own worth and it's sad because you are the most... genuinely perfect people i've ever known. and i really wish that you can see that in yourself. and those words i used to describe you don't even cover how i really feel about you. and love, love is not a word that describes anything nearly as close to what my heart, body and soul feels for you.

god it just hurts so FUCKING much. i lost him again as a friend now. i didnt think my heart could break any more than it already was. i feel so lost. lost doesn't even describe how i feel right now. crying doesn't make me feel any better. the tears keep coming and it just hurts over and over. i just keep repeating the words in my head and it keeps stabbing me in the chest. i didn't know this feeling was possible.

who the fuck am i. i'm no one. i have no identity on my own. i've grown up with him. i went through high school with him. i feel like i have nothing. i literally feel nothing from anyone else. i hate sounding over dramatic, but i dont want to live anymore if its just going to hurt this bad all the time. and it has been hurting this bad since he broke up with me. now its just happening all over again. i just keep going in these circles and nothing has gotten better. its just been the same or worse. fuck.

why can't i just stop letting things get to me? i fucking see things that she says and fuck it just hurts to god damn much. what if he isn't my soulmate? what if he's hers? and better yet, what if she is his? i guess if that's the case then i will find my soulmate. if that's even real.

it just fucking hurts. can i stop hurting for a day please? not even a day, just a fucking hour. i want to not think about him, not dream about him, not see his face everytime i close my eyes and hear his voice everytime i see that face. just take all the fucking memories away.

i don't want to feel this way anymore. i hate feeling like i'm just here, taking up space. i hate that i don't feel whole anymore. i hate that i'm nothing to him. i feel like nothing to him. maybe i'm not nothing, but the only person i want to mean anything to, doesn't think of me like that anymore. i honestly don't know what to do to not feel this way anymore. i've done and tried everything. i know its only been a short period of time. but i've gone out, i've tried to forget, i've tried to accept, i've tried to drink and smoke so i don't care or remember, i've gone out to clubs to try and get my mind off of it... but nothing works. i drink and i think of how much i never wanted to be at this point. i smoke and i think of how much i hated this before and the stupid huge arguments i got into with him for it and how i gave my ring back because of it. i go out to clubs and just wish he was there so that i could make up for all the times we didn't dance at dances. i've tried to just forget sober, and sometimes it works, but only for a little while until something reminds me of him, which is EVERYTHING. i went out to the mall with my best friend to find him some clothes and all i could think of when i was looking at guy clothes was if they'd look good on cory or not. and when i go out looking for myself, i think of what he would say about it on me. when i'm with my friends and we try to pick out movies, they'll suggest something and i'll just think of when me and cory watched it. i'm not even going to go into music.

it's really starting to eat away at me slowly. i have to block out all these memories just so i can go 5 minutes without hurting. but it doesn't work, and then it just hits harder the next time. this all just sucks and hurts so much.

and i get this feeling he like, doesn't want to see me anymore...which maybe thats a good thing. but the only time i feel the way i want is when i'm with him. the only time i feel something other than heartbreak is when i'm with him. i know that when i'm with him, he's not mine anymore, but just being around him makes me feel better. ugh. i hate myself.

he's never going to want me again.

100 days without you

i love that they are passed the point of not writing stuff on each others walls on facebook now. he posted a picture of him and her video chatting "typical monday night". that's awesome. not that i didn't know they did that... but ouch. can i just stop fucking hurting for once when i hear about her? but wow.. that really hurt that he would post that on his page.. i mean, i can't see what she posts to him, but the fact that he put that on his page knowing that i could see it. blah. i dont know what the fuck to do anymore.

maybe i should go see a doctor about depression. cory said the antidepressants didnt help him. but i'm not him. maybe they will help me stop hurting from him so much. i just need to stop thinking all the time about him. my whole mind is consumed with thoughts of him, our past and what our future could be like if he just gave it another chance. but i dont want him to give it another chance if he isn't willing to try so i guess i'm glad he hasn't yet because i know he doesn't want me the same. and that fucking hurts knowing that too. i just don't get why he isn't with her then.. if that's what he wants. is he trying to not be a bad guy by not dating someone new so soon? ugh i dont even fucking know. i just want to die.

who the fuck are you

this can't be happening again. i can't be losing you again. i had a glimmer of hope when you squeezed my hand. because you know how much that means. and now you don't want me again. you say we should move on. how am i supposed to do that? do you really think i'm going to ever move on from you? you obviously don't realize how much i love you.

"you're the girl i want and if you weren't then i wouldn't be with you. i love you and only you kara. forever and ever. :) " 02-07-09


you finally didn't want me anymore, a year later plus one day. i'm not sure if any part of this statement is true anymore. definitely not the forever and ever. forever doesn't exist for a single human being. it's stupid to say, and i hate that i thought that forever would actually last for us. i guess i learned that the hard way. you and only you. the you maybe, the only part, not so much anymore. she's here now. and as much as you deny it, i'm sure you say i love you to her all the time. and who knows if its in the same way you love me, but i guess it still hurts to know a part of your heart is reserved for her now too. ugh i just hate this. can i just stop crying over you for like five minutes please.

The only reason I don’t let you go or move on is because you said i would always be here. No matter how many days pass, I'm waiting for you to come right back through that door to be with me too.

"Yeah, I know. I am grateful you are with me. you've stood next to me through everything and I know you always will be, no matter what. I love you." 011310.

It's been 94 days since we broke up. I remember everything you said that day. I remember finally giving up for that one night and letting you go. I regret every second of that day. I have basically turned into nothing without you. I'm moving, I'm breathing but I'm not happy, I'm everything but. And the only thing that makes me truly happy is when I'm with you again. But I haven't seen you for awhile, for many reasons. We'll see how long this lasts. I just want you. Is it that hard to want me too? Is there no part of me that is worth a second chance?

why the fuck does it hurt so fucking much? i thought i got passed this type of crying. why do i just allow myself to get hurt over and over again? how does he not see how much pain he is causing me? and why is he the only person to make it better? all my friends, all my family say everything to me to make me feel better and help me try and make it okay but its not. why is he the only one i believe? how do i just keep letting him use me? why is it i'd rather be used by him and feel hurt than anything else?

why do we say forever when forever doesn't even exist

torn

i am so torn right now. i dont know what the fuck i should do. i love him so much. but should i really still be here waiting for him to decide? what if he never decides? what if he chooses her? then what. what the fuck am i supposed to do? i can't win either way. i don't think i can do this anymore. i've fought for too long.


it's so much easier to just say i want to move on then actually doing it. i figured to myself, if he tells her and she understands.. then she is way more understanding and perfect than i could ever be. and if she still wants him that bad after that... then she can have him. as far as i know... she still wants him, but i can't be positive. i guess i'll find out soon enough. and when i have that proof, hopefully i'll be able to let go like i always say i will.

texts from him that i want to remember

"well its this simple.. we dated for over four years and since we started at a young age we developed such a strong attachment to one another. due to the fact that we've spent so much time and have done everything together. so its safe to say that we are in love and we are one another first love. we broke up because of personal needs, or what i thought i needed. of course you're still going to love me. i haven't moved on and still have this emotional attachment that i can't completely remove you from my life. but there is another girl who i have created this liking-attachment because i am used to being "emotionally attached". but i didnt just like her because she was available, i like her because she is/was here for me when i needed it. and im not pushing you aside, you've done so much for me and i know i still love and care about you as much as i did when we were still dating. i always want you around. but now you are trying to figure out what to do. should you wait around for me to see if i come back to you or should you move on because of me having allison. so in a sense, you're waiting for me to decide who i am going to be with. and i honestly do not know. if i wanted to be with her, i would've been by now. but if i wanted to be with you, i wouldve just gone back out with you. so not it is a waiting game and is really stupid. thats why i dont want either of you to "waste" your time by waiting for me. its not fair to either of you. so i'm sorry i'm not helping your situation by talking to or hanging out with you. but you are my best friend and one of the only people i can talk to. so if you want me to stop all of this, i can. i understand. "