i don't want to feel this way anymore. i hate feeling like i'm just here, taking up space. i hate that i don't feel whole anymore. i hate that i'm nothing to him. i feel like nothing to him. maybe i'm not nothing, but the only person i want to mean anything to, doesn't think of me like that anymore. i honestly don't know what to do to not feel this way anymore. i've done and tried everything. i know its only been a short period of time. but i've gone out, i've tried to forget, i've tried to accept, i've tried to drink and smoke so i don't care or remember, i've gone out to clubs to try and get my mind off of it... but nothing works. i drink and i think of how much i never wanted to be at this point. i smoke and i think of how much i hated this before and the stupid huge arguments i got into with him for it and how i gave my ring back because of it. i go out to clubs and just wish he was there so that i could make up for all the times we didn't dance at dances. i've tried to just forget sober, and sometimes it works, but only for a little while until something reminds me of him, which is EVERYTHING. i went out to the mall with my best friend to find him some clothes and all i could think of when i was looking at guy clothes was if they'd look good on cory or not. and when i go out looking for myself, i think of what he would say about it on me. when i'm with my friends and we try to pick out movies, they'll suggest something and i'll just think of when me and cory watched it. i'm not even going to go into music.

it's really starting to eat away at me slowly. i have to block out all these memories just so i can go 5 minutes without hurting. but it doesn't work, and then it just hits harder the next time. this all just sucks and hurts so much.

and i get this feeling he like, doesn't want to see me anymore...which maybe thats a good thing. but the only time i feel the way i want is when i'm with him. the only time i feel something other than heartbreak is when i'm with him. i know that when i'm with him, he's not mine anymore, but just being around him makes me feel better. ugh. i hate myself.