this isn't how things are supposed to be. this isn't the way i'm supposed to feel. i'm supposed to be happy. i'm supposed to be smiling. we're supposed to be in love. this year wasn't supposed to happen this way. this was our year to rebuild. this was my year to change. this was my year to accept and make things better for us. it wasn't supposed to happen like this at all. we were supposed to make this year better. i hate the way things are now. i hate this feeling. i hate sleeping alone. i hate not having you there. i hate feeling so lost and out of control. i feel like nothing is going right. i feel tired all the time. i feel sad all the time. i can't go more than 5 minutes without thinking about you. i feel like my heart is constantly being ripped out every time a memory of you comes into my head. and knowing that they are just memories. memories of the past. memories that i will never have again. memories that will just fade. i don't want them to fade. i don't want the memories of us to stop. i don't want this to be the end. i want there to be more memories. i want us to be happy. i want us to go places. there were so many places we hadn't seen yet. there were so many things that we had left to do. if you hadn't given up we'd be in disneyland right now for my birthday. we'd be having the best time ever together in the happiest place on earth. we'd be together, like we're supposed to be. i want us to be together.

you are everything that i could have ever asked for in a first love. you treated me right. you made me so happy. you made me happier than i could have ever thought possible. you showed me so much about myself. you made me a better person. so much that i could do. if it weren't for you, i don't know if i ever would have played soccer again after my first surgery. you helped me so much more than i could have asked of you. you waited in the hospital during my second surgery for like, 5 hours. i could never ask anyone to do that for me, but you did it without me even asking. you showed me so much that i would have missed if i weren't with you. you made me so much more optimistic than i was before, now i seem pessimistic as ever but its because i lost you. you made everything better, you made me see so much more good in life and in the little things. we had our arguments, but it only made me appreciate you more because we always endured. you made me feel so beautiful when i was with you. i hated myself more than you could ever imagine before we met, i hated who i was, how i was, how i looked, i hated looking in the mirror. you made me feel so gorgeous all the time. just catching you looking at me sometimes made me feel so much better than any compliment i could receive from anyone. because when you were looking at me, you weren't just looking to look. you were looking at the girl that you loved more than anyone else in the world, and the girl that you thought was the most beautiful girl you'd seen. and i took that for granted way too often.

but now my fears have come true. you have left me, like you said you never would. like you promised you wouldn't. forever and always was your promise. and i believed you. and now another girl has finally realized just how amazing you are. the reason why i was always so jealous when you hung out with her and every other girl. i didn't want anyone else to know how special you were, because i wanted you. you were mine, and now your not. and she is so smart for seeing how perfect you are and not just overlooking you. i was always so scared to lose you, that i held onto you so tight, that you finally needed to be alone. and now you're with her.. not officially, if that even matters. but i'm pretty sure you said she was in love with you, and i know you're probably in love with her by now too.. i know how impulsive you are.

and as i've sat here crying, typing this out for the past hour or so, you've probably just been home, doing whatever it is you're doing without even thinking of me or trying to convince yourself you don't care so that you can move on completely.

and as much as i want to, as much as i wish that i could... i can't. regardless of if i talk to you or not, i'm never going to move on. you're my first love, you're my best friend, you've my everything. you're so much more to me than you think that you are. you don't realize your own worth and it's sad because you are the most... genuinely perfect people i've ever known. and i really wish that you can see that in yourself. and those words i used to describe you don't even cover how i really feel about you. and love, love is not a word that describes anything nearly as close to what my heart, body and soul feels for you.