by the way. eclipse was amazing. i hate relating my life to it...but i swear its so easy to put this whole situation into twilight mode. just with a few changes. it was just fun seeing it with him. because no matter how much i want to pay attention to the movie, his little jokes and comments about it just make it that much more enjoyable. and resting my head on his shoulder is something i miss so god damn much.

if i could just give up and walk away i would. i would leave you to be with her and leave you to be happy. but you won't do either. you won't be with her or happy if i leave. you want to be with me still, so i'm with you when you ask. we're happy still when we are together. we're in love still. yeah, we can hang out as just friends and everything is fine. but we will always have that connection that no one can touch or come close to. so i'm going to stay. i'm going to stay until i don't make you happy, until you don't want me anymore, until you're not in love with me anymore. who knows how long that will be. but i'm willing to wait. you're what i want, you're the only person i've ever wanted. it's you that i want to spend the rest of my life with. and i'm not giving up that dream just yet. not yet.

i shouldn't write in this nearly as much detail as i give, so i'll cut it back just a little bit. but writing with pen and paper is so much easier, but then my hand gets tired because there is so much to say. well the past week has been... both beyond amazing and emotionally tiring. my emotions have been doing rollercoasters loops inside me, one second i feel happy, the next sad, the next just down right confused. i never feel this way with anyone else, he makes me feel so euphoric and like i'm the only one in the world he wants to be with, then something about her gets brought up. i honestly don't mind. i realize that she is going to be a part of his life from now on, no matter what happens or who he decides to be with and i also understand every reason why he likes her. i'm sure she is super sweet and all that, but then its just the bitch in me that makes me dislike her. but i guess thats because i'm a girl. i don't think any girl would ever be completely okay with this situation i'm in. but surprisingly, somehow i'm contented with it and the way things are going. because if he chooses me, then i'll know that no matter what happens or who comes along our paths, that we will always find and have each other in a way that i don't think anyone our age could understand and we'll know that we are right for each other, just like we always claimed to be. and if he chooses her, then i'll know that me and him will be able to be just friends. i could never not have him in my life. and if he chose me, i wouldn't force him to cut her out of his life, i hope she would have the same courtesy as me. but sure i'd get jealous the first couple times and possibly get scared, but i know he wouldn't put me through that again. and i have grown so much through this whole process that i think i have learned to cope with issues a lot better in a healthier manner.

basically everything that me and him have done together in the past week seem to be outweighing the happy that he has with her. i guess we'll just see how this turns out.

if i thought i didn't know what was going on before, i definitely don't know what's going on now.

sooooo. i don't know what's going on anymore. hopefully things are taking a turn for the better. i'm never going to make you choose. but i'm going to be here when you want me. we'll see if my fighting has been worth it, it's always worth it to me.


Things are looking up
Oh, finally
I thought I'd never see the day
When you'd smile at me

We always pull through
Oh, when we try
I'm always wrong
But you're never right
Oh, you're never right

Honestly, can you believe
We cross the world while it's asleep?
I'll never trade it in
'Cause I've always wanted this and
It's not a dream anymore, no
It's not a dream anymore
It's worth fighting for

Could've given up so easily
I was a few cheap shots away
From the end of me

i wish things could just be easier said then done. but what would that really accomplish? would anyone actually learn anything that way?

i feel so torn. torn between doing what is "right" and what is "wrong". but who even decides what those choices are? i feel like, whatever i have been doing, has been working... to some extent. but what happens if i change and do something else? would what's happening still be happening? i don't know what to think anymore. i wish i could just stop thinking.

maybe those four years was it. that's the end of the story. our story. but we're both still here. BOTH. i'm not the only one, it takes two. two to keep it going, two to keep it alive. it's still alive. i can feel it. but what am i waiting for? for you to just come back into my open arms and for everything to be better? i know it won't be that easy, even if you decide to "come back". i just hope it is easier than the way things are right now. i don't know what to believe anymore.

-i'll never break my promise

and then you go right back to her. i really don't understand. if you're not happy, then what is the point? what are you even doing? i'm so confused. i know that you aren't going to just come right back to me, and don't expect me to have you with open arms.

i dont know. i'm starting to feel like maybe i am just being played. that you're just saying things to keep me emotionally attached. i mean, i'm always going to be, and you know that too. so i don't know why you would say that then. i keep going back and forth in my head what is possible and what is true. it just sucks. i'm tired of this back and forth. i'm tired of this circle. i wish it was easy to just let go. i haven't given up yet. i guess i will always be here. no matter how much i don't want to be.

so i dont know if that night made things better or worse. it definitely made things better for me. made me not feel so.... dumb? but i think it made things worse for you. maybe if you don't see me all the time, you'll get over me. you'll get over how good you think i am. but you don't think you're good enough for me or her. when obviously the only thing we both want is you. you don't give yourself enough credit. you don't see the good things about you.

but i told you i would always be the sure thing. i'm always going to be here as much as i want to move on. i'm always going to love you, as much as i don't want to anymore. i'm always going to care for you, as much as you've hurt me. i'm always going to come back, as much as you've pushed me away.

i love you too much. i've held on for too long already. whats the use in giving up now?

does she really make you happy? if she did, wouldn't you just be with her already? i realize you just got out of a relationship, but if she's what you wanted then you would just be with her. what's holding you back? what's stopping you? she can't be that good if you don't want to just take that risk.

i'm a mix of being upset, angry, sad. i want to hate you but i love you so much. it just fucking hurts i wish i could just stop looking at the things i know are going to cause me pain but i can't. why can't i just stop? do i actually like being hurt by you? maybe its because i'm so numb, the only time i feel something real is when it comes from you, and if i can only be hurt by you right now i guess that's what i choose to do?

you say you are alone. you are far from it.

i'm very frustrated. i hope things just start looking up sometime soon. i really just want to erase my memories of you, us, everything we did. alsdkjfaslkdf.

i hate this. i hate feeling inadequate. i hate feeling alone. i hate that i've spent all day in the house reading, because reading fiction is better than being with anyone else.

i just miss how i feel when i'm with him. how nothing mattered. how everything was perfect. how i felt beautiful when he looked at me. how everything was just... okay.

UGH

so i just found out that i can look at my facebook messages and type in cory fong and see everything we've facebook messaged each other. good thing or bad? i haven't really decided. but there was this one message where i got mad at him for talking to chelsea (his ex) and then he says "I will not cheat on you and i want you to trust me and trust me when i'm with certain people." well i trusted you and look what happened. you cheated on me. but then after that, you said you were trying to avoid arguing. you left a video and its your lips saying "i love you" and then you back away from the screen and wave. why did that make my stomach go sdfjsldkfj;slkdjf. out of happiness and then i realize that i miss hearing you say that all the time and just started bawling. why can't things just go back to the way they were? i miss you so god damn much its not even right anymore. i hate this. i hate it all. i hate living without you. i hate pretending like i'm okay in front of my friends. i hate pretending like this is all okay.

so he tumblr'd a bunch of songs from senses fail. i dont know if they have to deal with me but...these lines i feel hold the most meaning out of all of them. i dont understand why i'm posting about this. i guess it makes me feel connected to him somehow still. i miss him so much.

"Don't worry someday I promise you will feel whole"

"Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my soul,
At least that means I still have a soul left to lose."

"Can you survive without me?
‘Cause I thought I’d be fine.
Now I am slurring every single line.
I feel like I am paralyzed
When I look at the extra space left in my bed
And think about all the things we did"

"I always thought that I’d be happy if I was loved,
But I have nothing left to give.
I don’t think I ever did."

why does it seem to me like everything you hated about me, is everything she is? -__-

i fucking hate this.

truth

Why does this speak so much truth for me? i fear that i may never give anyone what i gave to cory. he already took it. how do i even have anything left to give? i don't want to move on. i don't want anyone else. i don't want to try and do this all over again. i don't want to give love another shot. i tried for four years. why would i try to create that same feeling with someone else when they could just leave me? how am i even going to be able to trust anyone else? i don't think i'm going to love anyone like i loved him ever again.

ugh, like really? i just want to rip my fucking heart out so i don't have to fucking feel anything anymore.

i fucking hate myself. ugh i dont know what this is doing for me. i really just fucking don't want to breathe anymore. this hurts. it all fucking hurts. regardless of if i drink or drink. regardless of if i don't or not, i always fucking have you on my mine, i always fucking thing of you. i always fucking love you. can i just fast forward to when i dont give a fuck about you anymore? i don't want to care anymore. i just want to cry any die in my room and no one will give a fuck about me but my family. because everyone will just go on living without me. please someone kill me. i'm not strong enough to kill myself. can i get alcohol poisoning and never wake up and have him know that i love him?

i just fucking want him. he called me today to tell me he was in disneyland and asked what i wanted. why is he even getting me anything. i just want to fucking curl up and die. i dont want to think about the memory of him anymore. i dont want to fucking hurt all the time. i dont want to cry every night wishing that he wanted to hold me while we fall asleep together. i dont want to think about him wanting her. i dont want to hurt anymore. he is so much better off without me though. obviously i'm not strong in any way.



"I guess it's safe to say you're never coming back
And I understand why you wouldn't want to"

i haven't seen or talked to him since my birthday. it's almost been a week. do you even miss me at all? do i ever even come up in your mind? you're too busy texting her every minute of the day to even notice. any time i even think of you or write on this blog i just start crying. i'm not happy anymore. i try to be, i really do. but nothing compares to the happiness i felt when i was with you. i hate this. i hate that i don't know who i am anymore. i hate that i feel like i can't be happy. i hate that i can't go 5 minutes without thinking about you. i hate that nothing is the same anymore. NOTHING. can someone just make me stop caring? make me stop loving him? make me see him in the light that everyone else seems to see him in? can i see that i "deserve" better? can i just move on and stop loving him with everything i have?