there's some sort of comfort in cutting. the release. the pain of something not internal.

well. i really dont know. and when i say that, i mean it in the truest sense. i dont know anything nymore. i dont know how i feel, i dont know how i should feel. i just want to scream at the world and wish i could die. but i cant kill myself. i cant be that selfish. my mother has already lost a child. i couldnt put her through that again., and i cant give up on elijah. but i really wish i could. i dont want to feel anymore. i dont want to hurt anymore. but i want everything that he gives me. and that includes hurt and suffering. that includes his beautiful lies and contradicting ways. it includes his stupidity and everything he puts in front of me. that includes his flawless face and his amazing personality. but i just dont know what to do anymore. what if everything he said to her about me was true? she obviously believed it. but he also said that he was only looking at the negative in order to move on. but he couldn't move on. even when all he was looking at was the negative. HE KEEPS COMING BACK. he comes back when that was all he was looking at. when everything was good between allison and him and all he looked at for me was negative, he still loved me. he still couldn't let go. YOU AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH TO BE WITH HIM. you never were, otherwise he would have just been with you. you never will be because he deserves better.

he specifically said no "volatile" comments and don't say shit just to bring each other down. and i stuck by that, i didn't say one thing about what he told me, and the one time i tried to, i didn't and he changed the subject by saying the walls were moving. you threw everything you possibly could in my face about our relationship, which YOU were never a part of, you don't know shit about what we went through and how we were, ever. you threw shit in my face about what he told you about me. you know how much i could have said, you know how far i could have cut you down? but i didn't. oh well.

i just hope things get better from here.