sigh

i really don't know what to do. my whole moral compass is all sorts of fucked up right now. i know that what i'm doing is probably wrong. but how am i supposed to just give up completely? he obviously still loves me, maybe not the way that i want it to be...but how can i just let go of the one thing i would fight a million girls for? i just wish that he still needed me the way i want him to. i wish that i could make him change his mind. i wish that i could make him just let go of me, and then maybe i could let go of him. how do you even start to let go of your first love? how do you just give up on the person you feel is your soul mate? i'm not sure if soul mates are even true, but why am i so drawn to him then?

and the thing is, she is really stupid too then. he met you because he cheated on me. his girlfriend of four years. and now he's "with" you..., but he's still fucking me. how stupid does that make you? you probably don't even know what's going on. i'm not sure if he's been honest with you. but i guess that means he hasn't really changed.

i feel like i'm being played, but at the same time i'd rather have that hurt than nothing at all. what the fuck. i feel like he could be using me, but i think he's better than that.. that he wouldn't do something like that to me, but i also didn't think he would cheat on me either. who knows what's really going on in that head of his. i don't even think he knows. i know he doesn't know what he wants. why can't he just figure it out instead of dragging this on, leading us both on. slkdjflksajd.