so this is the first time since... as long as i can remember that i've slept in my own room, in my own bed, all by myself. or alone at all for that matter. i'm always with him. i never sleep alone anymore. i'm always at his house. i don't know how to feel. the space is nice, but the cold is not. i dont like not having the heat of another person's body keeping me warm throughout the night. feeling cold and being able to roll over and spoon with a heater.

i still feel like i love him way more than he loves me. i still feel like i dont make him truly happy. he says hes happy with me, thats why hes always with me, but i dont feel like i make him happy. i dont know if its because he doesnt show it the same ways he used to or if i just dont feel as...accomplished in loving him. if that makes sense. i feel like hes always bored. or he'll post something and i'm just like wow okay, cause i'm not here. but i guess no matter what i do it isnt good enough. i'm not stong enough to be someone's all. i'm not strong enough to help someone through their tough times. i don't feel strong enough to be with someone who's depressed. i need reassurance. constant reassurance that i'm doing something the right way and i'm not getting that. but that's pathetic that i even need that. i hate the way i am. i mean, he did say this... but i don't know. it makes me feel good. but i can't always have him say that to me.